Dear Miss Jackson,
I am writing to you from the year 2029. For you, it is 1948.
I’ll get right to the point because I have to bring this in under two pages.
I believe you are presently at work upon a short story about a lottery.
If you have already written this story by the time you’re reading this but before you’ve shown it to anyone — or submitted it to The New Yorker — Miss Jackson, please, I urge you, do not submit The Lottery to The New Yorker; a man’s life hangs in the balance.
It’s complicated. Basically, you submit your story, many thousands of people read it, get very offended, and write letters to the magazine, canceling their subscriptions. You are tickled pink. And The Lottery goes on to become one of the most famous short stories of all time.
Fast forward a few decades. Another writer named Chuck Palahniuk reads The Lottery and enjoys it immensely. Good ol’ Chucky-poo goes on to write many a fine short story and many a fine novel.
Including a story titled Guts.
You would enjoy Guts. Chuck reads Guts aloud at public readings because people have interesting reactions. Mostly fainting and or vomiting.
Nevertheless, Chuck is in danger. He’s fine right now but if you send The Lottery to The New Yorker, he’s a goner.
You see, there are those who find Guts to be every bit as offensive today as The Lottery was in 1948.
And here’s the crux: some of these folks visited Chuck’s house and went to work on him with an industrial-grade vacuum machine.
So you see, if you submit The Lottery to The New Yorker, Mr. Palahniuk will meet his sticky end before he is able to complete one of his best — perhaps his greatest — perhaps THE greatest — novels of all time: Melt Splash.
Without Melt Splash, well, I don’t have time to go into it here. Suffice it to say that it changes everything. Everything.
Ergo, please, Miss Jackson, please do not submit The Lottery. Keep that one for yourself. Rest assured that you shall be buoyed by your prolific literary genius and shall enjoy great success.
And Chuck won’t be found in his garage with a smile on his face.