Alien Night Club - Show 27?
Alien Night Club <the transcripts>
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Hello, hello, hello, welcome to the show!
Show 27. I think. I’m pretty sure.
Okay, so, who wants to see Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love 2?
Pause for applause.
I do. That was a great movie.
It’s not actually called Eat Pray Love Two. It’s called A Tale of Coffee and Chocolate.
She goes around the world in search of the best coffee and chocolate. And through her we visit fascinating and exotic places, meet fascinating and erotic people, and, and this is the 2nd-best bar
Okay, we’re back.
Sorry, had a glitch. Not sure if you noticed it on your end wherever you are. But we were sitting here doing nothing staring at the comms for half of a minute. Waiting. Solar flare or something.
Anyway, the 2nd-best part is Bart Simpson. Julia goes to Amsterdam and eats marijuana chocolate and drinks marijuana tea and she goes to South America and drinks high a woska and has a weird trip. But the best part is when she goes to Austin to do Joe Rogan’s podcast.
And they do DMT live on his podcast.
And it is fuckin underscore __EPIC__ hence the underscores. And during her trip she encounters a live-action Bart Simpson who says his signature line: Don’t have a cow, man. And all around her are people having cows, people with cows, people petting cows, people birthing cows, people EATING cows. There’s a cow with a name tag that says Etre – because that’s the name of a book: A Cow Named Etre, and etre means quote unquote To Be in French – and someone is eating the cow, cutting bites out of it with a knife and fork while it’s standing in the meadow eating grass.
During the show, Julia is there to test drive a new piece of tech. Elon Musk is there with Joe and Jamie and he puts a Neuralink on Julia which will record her brain waves and translate those electric impulses to images on a screen. So she’s going to put it on and we’ll see her thoughts on the screen while she laughs her signature laugh.
So they talk and joke and laugh for a bit and they all smoke a little weed and we get to see her recreate the iconic meme Elon made when he smoked a blunt with Joe. And then, when she’s ready, she’s gonna take the DMT. In fact, she and Joe are gonna do it together.
Pint being–
Pint being?
I meant to say Point. Point being. I must still have ice cream on the brain from last night’s show. I’m still trying to think of a name for Kevin Hart’s flavor of ice cream. Something about him being so small that he’s actually INSIDE the pint. Inside Man? Tiny Dancer? No, that’s the name of Conan O’Brien’s penis.
Julia actually meets Conan O’Brien’s penis during her DMT trip. Which initially sounds vulgar and crude and disgusting. But she’s a sexy Scorpio. So she finds it hilarious. She and Bart Simpson – a real, freaky-looking human version of Bart Simpson, with huge eyes and big hair and yellow skin – go on Conan’s old show, a talk show with a desk and two chairs and Conan is lying on the floor behind the desk so his penis can be the host sitting at the desk. And his penis talks and conducts the interview and does the whole show. String Dance and everything. And we have a Conan Cam, which is a camera on Conan that is mounted on the ceiling or up in the rigging where the lights are and it’s pointing straight down at him. And he’s mic’d so he can talk and be heard when needed. But mostly he just lays there and plays guitar. He’s a very good guitarist.
So Julia Roberts and Live Action Bart Simpson walk out from the wings and hug and kiss Conan’s penis and say hello to Andy and then sit down in the chairs and talk about their new travel show called A Tale of Love and Chocolate. And she’s talking to a dick about the fact that she’s talking to a dick.
And he asks if that means she thinks Conan is a dick.
And Conan, from the floor, says, No, I don’t think it means you think I’m a dick. I think it’s a literal manifestation of the part of you who hates doing these shows every time you have a movie to promote and you’re afraid that the host is going to be a dick to you.
And then the penis – Tiny Dancer– goes, I thought it was called A Tale of Coffee and Chocolate.
And Julia goes, It was. I changed it.
And Conan’s penis – Dick? Dick O'Brien? Or Tiny? As in Tiny Dancer? – goes, When?
And Julia goes, Just now. When I went to say it, what came out was A Tale of Love and Chocolate. So I guess that’s the name now.
And Tiny goes, Okay. It’s your show, call it whatever you want.
Are we back?
Okay, looks like we’re back. We had another glitch. Everything here went offline. Maybe we’re traveling through an electrical storm or something. I hope this ship has sufficient shielding. That I’m not being exposed to too much ionizing radiation. Like, endless amounts of ionizing radiation. The kind that jacks up your DNA and causes mutations and the C Word.
Maybe that’s how stroke why humans evolved into the classic big-eyed hairless aliens everyone on Earth is familiar with. It was because once humans went out and began to travel among the stars, despite their best efforts, there was really no way to avoid increased quantities of ionizing radiation. With the result being newer and better cancer drugs and therapies, up to the point where it was cured, but the changes to the DNA continued. And spending several hundred years flying through space where there is less sunlight and no gravity made people look like skinny bat people. Like in The Descent. Pale cave dweller. Subterranean underground dwellers. Like that movie from the 80s, C.H.U.D. Which stood for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers.
Are we back? We’re back. Man. We went offline again for almost 10 minutes. This whole show is like one really long X-ray. I’ll probably glow in the dark late
…er.
Late…er. Later. We went down again. And not the GOOD kind of going down.
I just heard that, in alternative medicine or Chinese Eastern Medicine or whatever, constipation means you’re holding on to the past whereas diarrhea means you’re stressing about the future.
Which makes sense once you think about it.
Kinda like how walking backwards helps memory.
Back to Julia and Bart and Tiny. And poor Conan lying on the floor with his guitar. And every time he wants to speak, Tiny is like, Would you shut up! I let you talk for 20 years! It’s my turn!
And everyone laughs.
I think we may have fixed the offline glitching, by the way. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted. But don’t worry, we’ll make sure you don’t miss anything either way.
Oh, by the way, I found a window. In my quarters. It was there all along. Just didn’t know how to open it. Not the actual window. Because that would expose me to the vacuum of space and, according to Commander Data, I would be blown out into it. And that would be it for me. That would be curtains for Captain Blank. Speaking of curtains, that’s basically what it was that prevented me from knowing the window was there or seeing it sooner. It was behind a panel. And the button to open it is really hard to see. It’s pretty much invisible. But you tap the wall where the window is and the panel slides open. But it’s indistinguishable from the rest of the wall. So unless someone was all, Hey, by the way, there’s a window right there in case you want to look outside. Tap the panel right here to open it. See?
And then they tap it, the panel opens, and you would not believe the view. I sat there for hours, staring out into it. And I’m pretty sure I saw a goat. A giant gaseous blue space goat. And then behind him was Zeuss and behind Zeuss was a lion. Like, Aslan or something maybe; I dunno. I realize it’s just pareidolia, which is that thing where we see patterns and images and shapes that aren’t actually there. But it’s a byproduct of our brain’s desire to sort chaos into some kind of order.
That’s the very definition of a Control Freak, by the way. So if you think you can do that, and you take pride in it and you boast about it because you are that good at it, guess what? You’re a control freak. How much for just one rib? quote unquote.
Point being that the view is spectacular.
I saw a lot of dots, by the way. Mostly white dots. Of different sizes. I could tell some were closer or further away but some were also bigger. And I also saw red dots and pink dots. I don’t know if they’re stars or planets but they were pink. And red. And also spectacular. They don’t seem to twinkle, though. Which freaked me out at first. But then I realized that I wasn’t looking at them through an atmosphere like when you’re on Earth looking up at the night sky. It’s simply a steady light.
But getting back to Eat Pray Love 2, Joe says, So, Julia, why don’t you go ahead and tell everybody about this cool new film project you’ve got going on. You’re directing it, right?
And Julia says, Thank you, Joe. And yes, I am directing it. It’s a Julia Roberts Film or A Film By Julia Roberts; I haven’t quite decided yet.
And Joe goes, What’s it about?
And Julia goes, They didn’t tell you what it’s about?
And Joe goes, No.
And they look at each other and Julia is obviously trying to figure out if Joe is messing with her or if he truly doesn’t know what it’s about. And if he truly doesn’t know what it’s about, why is it that nobody from her team, her producers, whomever it was that booked this, didn’t tell him? To make sure it’s something he would be interested in. Because he’s like a MMA martial arts, works out every day, hunts animals with a bow and kills em and eats em kind of guy. She may not belong there at all. And she would never have come all the way to Texas had she known that.
And Joe goes, Why are you staring at me like that?
And Julia goes, Like what?
And Joe goes, Like you’re trying to figure out if I’m fucking with you or not.
And Julia goes, That’s exactly what I’m doing.
And Joe goes, Do I look like I know?
And Julia goes, No, you look fuckin clueless.
And Joe goes, I am.
And Julia goes, Somebody is fuckin fired. Okay. You wanna know what it’s about, Joe?
And Joe goes, Yes. That’s why I asked what it’s about a minute ago.
And things are suddenly a little tense. And Elon is sitting there with the Neuralink thing in his hand, looking like he wants to put some sort of spider web Halloween wig on Julia’s head.
And Julia claps her hands together one time, pivots side to side in her rotating black leather chair a couple of times and goes, Okay. Here’s what it’s about. It’s about a woman on a quest. A quest that will literally take her around the globe. She will literally visit more than 100 countries. She will travel on everything from luxurious airliners and cruise ships and fancy sports cars to old, beat-up buses, trucks, scooters, and probably also bicycles. And after that, maybe a horse. Or a camel. Or a donkey. And after that, she’ll just have to walk.
And Joe goes, Where?
And Julia goes, Wherever her quest takes her.
And Joe goes, But what is her quest for? What is it she’s seeking?
And Julia goes, Simple. Two things: Coffee…and chocolate.
And Joe goes, Coffee and chocolate?
And Julia goes, Yep. Coffee and chocolate. Does that sound dumb to you?
And Joe goes, No, that doesn’t sound dumb, that sounds fuckin awesome. I would LOVE to go on a worldwide, continent-hopping quest to find the world’s best coffee and chocolate.
And Julia’s face lights up and she sits up and smiles that billion-dollar smile and goes, Really?
And Joe goes, Sure. I love coffee and I love chocolate. Elon, you love coffee and chocolate, too, don’t you?
And Elon goes, I do.
And then he pauses to try and figure out if they want him to speak further on the matter of his affinity for coffee and or chocolate, to elaborate, or if the simple yes no was sufficient. When they keep staring at him for 2.5 seconds, he concludes they await elaboration and goes, Coffee and chocolate are one of the great divine pairings of any possible combination of food and drink. Each one is superb by itself, or at least really good, most of the time, even when it’s cheap stuff, but together the overall flavor experience is enhanced.
And Joe goes, That’s true, the overall experience is enhanced.
And Elon goes, That’s right. The coffee makes the chocolate taste even better and the chocolate makes the coffee taste even better. And while it’s important to try to mix them in the ideal ratio in order to get the best or most ideal flavor experience, even if you’re off by an order of magnitude, which is a factor of 10, which is a lot, it’s still going to be delicious. And I should know. I’ve been consuming a lot of both the past several years.
And Joe goes, Have you really?
And Elon goes, Yes. I have.
And Julia goes, Really?
And Elon goes, Yes. Uh, to be perfectly honest, the past 17 years have been rather stressful. I haven’t slept much. And it’s a proven phenomenon that people who sleep less eat more. And invariably gain weight.
And Joe goes, Really? Is that true? People who sleep less eat more?
And Julia goes, That is 100% true. I can vouch for that. It is true.
And Joe goes, Really?
And Elon goes, Yes. Julia’s right.
And Joe goes, But why? How does that work?
And Julia goes, Because people who don’t sleep enough usually stay up later than they should. And when they start to get tired, the brain asks for more glucose, so it has some sort of fuel to keep it going. So it signals your stomach and your mouth and the rest of your body to eat. And if you do that over a long period of time, just like Elon said, you gain weight. A lot of weight. Which is what I keep pointing out to people on social media who seem intent on reminding me that I’ve gained weight, that my body composition has shifted in a somewhat unfavorable manner. Okay, guys? I get it. I’ve seen the photographs of myself standing on the back of my friend’s yacht. I don’t need any more albino jokes or jokes about me being whiter than the sun, either, okay? I’ve heard them all now. Let’s move on.
And Joe goes, You sound like this has happened to you.
And Julia goes, Oh, yes. It’s called parenting. It’s what happens right after you have a baby. Elon, don’t you have a lot of kids?
And Elon goes, Well, a lot is relative I suppose, geographically as well as historically. People used to have 10 to 15 kids because so many of them died young or in childbirth and the family needed help on the farm. So compared to that, my family is quite small.
And Julia goes, How many kids do you have?
And Elon goes, I have 6.
And Julia goes, Wow. I only have half that.
And Elon goes, 3 is good. As long as 2 don’t gang up on the other one.
And Julia goes, That’s true. That happens. A lot. No matter how many times I tell them not to do it.
And Joe goes, Get back to the eating thing. I have kids, too, but I don’t remember gaining weight after they were born. It was while my wife was pregnant that I gained all my weight.
And Julia goes, Yeah, that happens, too.
And Elon goes, Yes, it does. But after the child is born, it often does not sleep through the night, especially in the beginning. So I would usually just stay up. I mean, I was busy building cars and software and rockets so it sort of worked out well. Lots of coffee and lots of chocolate, as a matter of fact, helped tremendously in the development of both the Falcon 9 and Starship. So, so, I think it’s safe to say that, one day, there will literally be human beings from Earth standing on the surface of Mars and they’ll look across the vast expanse of Mars and they’ll see the stars coming out as night is falling and they’ll see the Earth, which will look like a little white ball of light, basically like a star in the blue Martian sunset, and they’ll all be able to look back and say, Coffee and chocolate helped us get here. And they’ll be right.
And Joe gasps and goes, Wow! Elon, that is wild. That’s right. What a great segue. Coffee and chocolate. Julia, please finish telling us about your film.
And Julia keeps staring at Elon and she says, Is the sunset of Mars really blue?
And Elon will go, Well, yes and no. Because of the mixture of gasses in the Martian atmosphere, which is different than that of the Earth, the white light from our Sun does indeed appear blue on Mars, yes.
And Julia will go, It’s blue?
And Elon will go, Yes, for all intents and purposes, as far as what it will actually look like when there are humans literally standing on Mars and they’re standing there in their space suits after an exhausting day of getting the colony set up, they’ll take a moment before they go inside because night is coming and it’s going to be dark soon and it’s going to be quite cold, and they’ll look around and become suddenly very aware of the fact that they really are on Mars. And they’re going to be there for the next 2 years. Which is when the next supply ship with people on it is going to arrive. And in that moment, they will look around and they will watch the sunset just like they used to do back on Earth and they’ll almost definitely talk about or at least mention the fact that the sunset of Mars is blue.
And Joe goes, A blue Martian sunset. That would be a really good name for a song. Blue Martian Sunset.
And Elon goes, Yeah, that would be.
And Julia goes, Yeah, it would be.
And Joe says, There’s this band that I think would be perfect for a song called Blue Martian Sunset.
And Julia and Elon are all like, Really, who? Who?
And Joe goes, Have you guys heard of the Alien Night Club?
And they both shake their heads like, No….
And Joe goes, There’s this guy who calls himself Captain Blank. And he hosts a show in the Alien Night Club. A night club on an actual alien ship. And he says he was abducted by aliens and he’s up there in space right now, zippin around the galaxy or whatever, somewhere near Betelgeuse, I think, and that every night he hosts some sort of talk show in a theater, a very classy theater, and apparently Samuel L. Jackson is there with him and there’s another guy whose name we don’t know, he just goes by Sexy Black Voice and I don’t know who it is. But it’s a wild show and the band is called The Hot Fudge Sundaes. And they’re amazing. It’s like if you took Jimi Hendrix and sprinkled in some of the most amazing jazz you’ve ever heard and then funked it all up so good with some sexy R and B that was being played by Zeppelin or Floyd, and it was all driven by the best guitar I have ever heard in my life. Like Hendrix times 10. Times 10 at least!
And Elon goes, By an order of magnitude?
And Joe goes, Yes, at least! Blue Martian Sunset. Imagine if you could have Dylan and Hendrix and Jim Morrisson and whoever else all standing on Mars, looking around, staring at a blue Martian sunset, and then going into their hab module or whatever and taking off their suits and having some sort of freeze-dried dinner with a Capri Sun to wash it all down with and then they smoked some really good weed they smuggled on board from Earth and they got really high and wrote a song while they were looking out the window of their futuristic domed modular habitat, eating and talking as the sun went down, enjoying the blue Martian sunset. Maybe NASA’s or SpaceX’s astronaut training program should include music appreciation. And they should be able to sing and read and write music and play an instrument. Imagine all the crazy shit you could come up with if you were sitting on the surface of Mars, just chillin on a rock, with a guitar in your hands. Or a piano. Or a drum set.
And Julia goes, Those people are all so brilliant I’m sure a lot of them already are musicians and they already know how to play an instrument. Probably more than one. It’s part of that whole well-rounded thing that allows them to be such amazing people.
And Joe goes, I bet you’re right.
And Elon goes, Yes, you’re both right. NASA does indeed have a long history of music being a part of its space program. They’ve been listening to music on the ISS for years. And the very first song played in space was played December 16, 1965 by American astronauts Walter Schirra and Thomas Stafford on board Gemini 6.
And Joe goes, What song did they play?
And Elon goes, They played Jingle Bells.
And Joe bursts out laughing. And Julia goes, Jingle Bells, really?
And Elon goes, Yeah. It was like a week before Christmas. So they played Jingle Bells from orbit and NASA broadcast it for the whole world to hear. They had just rendezvous’d with another capsule, also a first, and they got on the radio and pretended to see Santa Clause flying in his sleigh with his reindeer. And then they played Jingle Bells with a series of beeps and squeaks that sounded like it was done on a computer.
And Joe and Julia laugh and go, Did they really?
And Elon goes, Yeah. He nods his head a bunch of times while everyone laughs.
And finally Joe goes, We’ve got Hendrix on Mars, Santa Clause in low-earth orbit, a guy named Captain Blank broadcasting from what he claims is an alien night club, and Julia is making a film about coffee and chocolate. And the wildest part is that all of that, all of it, was and is probably being powered by coffee and chocolate.
And Julia goes, That’s true! Great point, Joe.
And Joe goes, Thank you.
And Julia goes, I’m glad to see you’re not just some meathead.
And Joe goes, Why would I be a meathead?
And Julia goes, Because you said nobody told you why I was here or what my movie is actually about. And I know you’re this hardcore MMA guy who calls fights in the octagon and does martial arts and goes bow hunting and kills wild animals and brings them home and eats them with jalapenos. So it was possible that you wouldn’t have much interest in a woman going around the world just to drink chocolate and eat coffee.
And Joe and Elon look at each other. And Joe goes, You mean drink coffee and eat chocolate. Or eat chocolate and drink coffee. Whichever way you want to say it, whichever order you want to put it in.
And Julia goes, That’s right.
And Joe goes, But you said it backwards.
And Julia goes, Are you sure? What did I say?
And Joe goes, You said drink chocolate and eat coffee.
And Julia goes, I did.
And Joe goes, Why did you say it like that?
And Julia goes, I was just testing you.
And Joe goes, Testing me for what?
And Julia goes, To make sure you’re paying attention.
And Joe goes, I invited you on my show! Why wouldn’t I be paying attention?
And Julia goes, You’d be surprised.
And Joe goes, About what?
And Julia goes, About how many interviews I give when the person interviewing me hasn’t seen the movie, has no idea what it’s about, and is just reading what was given to them on little blue index cards. I don’t know why but they always seem to be blue.
And Elon goes, Blue Martian Sunset.
And Joe goes, There you go.
And Elon goes, Chris Hadfield did a really good version of Space Oddity while he was on the ISS.
And Joe goes, Did he really?
And Elon goes, Yeah. Played guitar and everything.
And Joe goes, Is it any good?
And Elon goes, Yeah. A lot better than I could do.
And Julia goes, So they can sing and play a guitar at the same time and do it while they’re floating weightless in space on the International Space Station?
And Elon goes, Apparently, yeah.
And Joe goes, And you’re really going to travel around the world drinking chocolate and eating coffee?
And Julia goes, That’s correct.
And Joe goes, Have you started yet?
And Julia goes, We have started. I’ve already had coffee and chocolate in Hawaii, Los Angeles, Denver, Manhattan, and Vermont. And now Houston. Although we’re mostly here to do your show. We’ll see what kind of coffee and chocolate we can dig up.
And Joe goes, I can put you in touch with some people who are from here, born and raised, and they know everything that’s good so I’m sure they can tell you where to go to get the best coffee and chocolate in Austin. What are you going to call it?
And Julia goes, My film? I think I’m going to call it A Tale of Coffee and Chocolate. Or maybe A Tale of Love and Chocolate.
And Joe goes, That’s a good title.
And Julia goes, Really? You think so? It’s not too boring or feminine or anti-male?
And Joe goes, No, not at all. Why would it be feminine or anti-male?
And Julia goes, Certain…people seem to think that my target demographic is women my age, White women my age, and that my work tends to alienate people outside that demographic, particularly men and people of color.
And Joe goes, That’s ridiculous.
And Julia goes, That’s what I keep telling them.
And Elon goes, Everyone likes coffee and chocolate. At least one of them.
And Joe goes, Exactly.
And Julia goes, You would think.
And Joe goes, Okay. So you’re going around the world to find the best coffee and chocolate on Earth. And then what?
And Julia goes, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
And Joe goes, Okay. I’m down with that. And why are you here today and why is this crazy mad rocket scientist sitting next to you holding what looks like alien mermaid hair?
And Julia goes, That is a Neuralink sensor that Elon is going to put on me in order to record my brainwaves while I take DMT for the first time.
And Joe goes, Right. And Elon, that thing is going to record her brainwaves and translate them through some fancy algorithm or straight-up witchcraft so that we can see pictures on the monitor, correct?
And Elon goes, Correct. But not just pictures. Actual video. Full-color, extremely ultra high definition video. It’s the closest thing we’ve been able to get to the orgasmic transmutation of the human soul.
And Joe goes, The orgasmic transmutation of the human soul. What on God’s Earth is that?
And Elon goes, It’s the ecstasy of our soul leaving our body and returning to God or the Universe or Source or whatever you choose to call it. As far as I know and can tell and have seen, it’s all the same thing. And the closest physical experience we can have on Earth while we’re here in our bodies is an orgasm.
And Joe goes, An orgasm.
And Elon goes, That’s right. An orgasm.
And Julia leans close to her mic and whispers in a sexy voice, An…orgasm.
And Joe chuckles and goes, Settle down. We’ll get to that.
And Julia laughs loudly and goes, We’ll get to that?! and she laughs again, as do Elon and Joe.
And Joe goes, And you’ve never done DMT before.
And Julia goes, Correct.
And Joe goes, Elon, have you done DMT?
And Elon goes, I have not. But I do believe psychedelics have their place and that they can be beneficial for some people in certain circumstances and in the right proper doses and when used under the supervision of a doctor. Let me be clear about that part.
And Julia leans down to the mic again and says, all deep and husky, And I wanna get really fuckin high first, too.
And Joe goes, Whoa! Jesus. Slow down, girl.
And everyone laughs.
And then Joe recovers and goes, Okay. It’s on now. It’s party time. Elon, you remember how this works.
Joe grabs a nearby container, opens it, and pulls out a short brown cigar shaped like a tiny ice cream cone.
And Elon goes, I do. I became one of the all-time great memes that day, Joe. Thanks to you.
And Joe goes, No thanks are required, my friend. I always love hanging out with you.
And Elon goes, I always love hanging out with you, too.
And Julia goes, Do you guys wanna kiss and go in the other room or what? You want me to leave?
And they laugh and Joe goes, Maybe. Elon?
And Elon goes, Sounds good to me.
And Julia laughs her signature laugh again, loud and hearty and raw and pure and real.
And she’s been watching Joe this whole time and she goes, Joe, what is that?
And Joe goes, What does it look like?
And Julia goes, It looks like a tiny cigar shaped like an ice cream cone.
And Joe goes, Close. This is a joint which I rolled earlier today before you guys got here in the hopes that this would happen.
And Julia goes, You hoped that this would happen?
And Joe goes, Of course. The chance to get high with Julia Roberts and Elon Musk? Why wouldn’t I want it to happen?
And Julia clears her throat and gets breathy and serious again and goes, So what’s in it?
And Joe goes, This is called White Widow.
And Julia purrs into the mic as she absorbs that and she goes, Ooh, White Widow. And what does the White Widow have to say about all this?
And Joe goes, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
And Elon goes, But not very long.
And Joe puts the joint in his mouth and talks around it and goes, That’s true. Not very long – he lights the end of it, his face glowing orange – at all.
He takes a couple of puffs on it to make sure it’s burning well. He blows a perfect smoke ring, exhales the rest toward the ceiling, and offers the joint to Julia, and says, Show time.
Julia looks over at Elon, looks back at Joe, and takes the joint. She looks at it and goes, God, it smells good. For everyone watching who can’t be here to actually smell this, I can already tell just from the smell that this is definitely 100% some premium shit.
Joe and Elon erupt in laughter.
But they calm down and get serious again as Julia holds the joint between her first two fingers in an elegant way akin to the way Molly Ringwald did it in The Breakfast Club. She puts it in her mouth and her cheeks draw in as she inhales. The tip flares up bright orange and she narrows her eyes. She takes the joint from between her lips, letting the smoke waft toward the ceiling, looks calmly at Joe…then at Elon…then back to Joe. She tilts her head slightly and smiles as she exhales a thick white cloud of smoke, showing that she took a big hit.
And Joe goes, Whoa, that was a big hit.
And Julia narrows her eyes at him and puts the joint between her lips once more and takes another hearty drag.
She smiles and goes, Honey, you ain’t seen nothing yet. She exhales again, passing the joint to Elon.
Elon takes it from her and goes, I wasn’t really planning on smoking today, after the raft of shit I got last time. But fuck it. YOLO, right?
And he takes a huge hit, and then another smaller one, and hands the joint back to Joe.
Joe takes it, laughing, and goes, Yolo? and continues laughing. He goes, That is so true. He takes another hit, hands it to Julia, and she hands it to Elon.
Joe goes, Hey, now. What’re you doin?
And Julia goes, I’m one up on you boys. Let’s see you catch up to me.
Elon takes a hit, passes to Joe, who does the same and then passes once more to Julia. She takes another drag, exhales and says, Is there DMT in this?
And Joe says, No, not at all. It’s just weed.
Julia looks at him for a long time, smoking leisurely, and goes, My shoulders are cold.
And Joe goes, You want me to turn down the A-C?
And Julia shakes her head and goes, That’s how I know I am, A, high and, B, smoking some premium ganja.
And Joe bursts out laughing again and exclaims, Ganja! I had no idea Julia Roberts was this cool. I would’ve had you on the podcast years ago.
And Julia goes, How do you know I would’ve come on?
And Joe goes, I don’t. That’s a good point. Everything in due time, I guess.
And Elon goes, Speaking of which… and he motions for the joint. Julia passes it to him and he takes a long pull on it, blowing several smoke rings as he exhales.
Julia pounds the table like she’s playing drums and goes, Okay, before I get high as a kite and take off all my clothes, what are we doing with that thing you’re holding, Elon? Does it go on my tits or between my legs or what?
Everyone laughs and Elon goes, Uh, well, I’ve never tried that before but I guess we can if you want to.
Everyone laughs.
Elon goes, Let’s begin by placing it on your head and getting a baseline. And then we’ll go from there.
Elon places the device on her head. He says, Joe, can you dim the lights, please?
And Joe goes, Dim the lights? Are we honestly about to watch Julia Roberts do a real sex scene in my studio?
And Elon goes, We’ve found that we get a better pickup when the subjects are relaxed. And having the right atmosphere helps.
And Julia goes, Kinda like the atmosphere during a blue Martian sunset?
And Elon adjusts the wires on her head and looks at her and says, Something like that.
And Julia says, all husky, The orgasmic…transmutation…of the human soul.
And Elon says, Action.
He taps the screen on a tablet on the table in front of him.
And Joe goes, You’re going to read her mind with an iPad?
And Elon goes, Pretty much.
The big flatscreen on the back wall comes to life. It shows a POV shot inside the studio, looking across the table at Joe, then turning to look at Elon, then up at the ceiling, then down to a pair of hands, and then back to Joe.
Julia goes, Oh my God, is that me?
And Elon goes, This is just a baseline. We always begin with the signal from the optic nerve. We record it for a few minutes so we can establish brain wave patterns involved in processing visual input. So that later, when we switch to other regions of the brain, we’ll be able to constantly compare those waves to these waves. And that allows us to figure out what input is mere visual input, which is mostly noise, and what is coming from inside your actual brain, your actual thoughts.
Joe opens a drawer and removes a tiny wooden box with a curved lid. It looks like a tiny treasure chest.
Julia goes, You got Johnny Depp in there?
Joe pushes it across the table to her and goes, Open it and see.
Julia picks it up slowly, keeping one eye on Joe. She opens it. Inside is a small red joint. She goes, Is this what I think it is?
And Joe goes, When you’re ready, and there’s no hurry, we’ve got all day, as much time as you need, you’re going to light that and take a nice hit off of it.
And Julia goes, And then what?
And Joe goes, And then whatever happens happens. It might happen quick, it might not. If you want to smoke more, smoke more. If you don’t, set it down and let it go out.
And Julia goes, And what are you guys going to be doing?
And Joe goes, Well, Elon is going to be monitoring the machine, the orgasmic transmutation of your soul. I am going to be joining you.
Joe holds up another red joint, virtually identical to the one Julia is rolling between her fingers.
He goes, The important thing to remember…is to relax. Whatever happens happens. No fear and no expectations. Some people transmute their orgasm right away and some people just get sleepy. Or hungry. Or both.
Julia looks at Joe.
Joe looks at Julia.
Elon looks at Joe and Julia looking at one another.
Jamie is trying not to laugh because it’s just SO intense in there all of a sudden.
Joe goes, You ready?
And Julia goes, Yeah. I’m ready.
And Joe goes, Are you high?
And Julia goes, A little.
And Joe goes, That’s good.
And Julia goes, Is it?
And Joe goes, Sure.
He looks at Elon and says, Elon, you ready?
And Elon goes, I want another hit first.
Joe hands him the joint and says, Here you go.
Elon leans back in his chair. He looks at the joint. Really looks at it. He put it to his lips, looks off into space, and hits the fuck out of it. The tip glows bright orange. Like a brilliant tiny sun bringing Light to the Darkness. Elon holds his smoke. He takes one more pull on the joint and exhales a ridiculous cloud of smoke.
Joe immediately starts cackling.
Julia goes, What’s so funny?
And Joe goes, That’s one of the biggest hits I’ve ever seen in my entire life!
Julia grins her billion-watt money shot grin and watches Elon as though he’s going to turn into a goldfish or something right before her very eyes.
Elon just sits there, grinning his signature don’t give a fuck because what’s the big deal grin, surrounded by a cloud of heavy white smoke and a new and improved meme is born.
Joe finally stops laughing and goes, You good?
And Elon goes, The probability that I’m good is definitely not zero.
Joe laughs again and goes, You’re good.
And Julia goes, Elon, don’t you just about shit your pants every time a person gets on one of your rockets?
And Elon goes, The probability of me shitting my pants every time a person gets on one of my rockets is definitely not zero, yes.
Everyone laughs.
Elon goes, Knock on wood! and raps his knuckles against his own crotch.
And Joe goes, What are you doin?
And Elon goes, I’m knocking on wood.
Joe laughs highly again and goes, He’s knocking on his own dick! and has to turn backwards in his chair because he’s laughing so hard.
And Julia goes, Can I see it?
And Elon goes, Maybe later.
And Julia goes, The probability that I can see your dick is definitely not zero?
And Elon goes, That’s correct.
And Joe laughs even harder.
And Julia goes, Is it big?
And Joe laughs and goes, Is it big?!
And Elon goes, Yes. Relative to the mean or average human Earthling phallus, yes. Relative to a T-rex, no, it’s in fact quite small.
And Joe goes, Relative to a T-rex! and laughs even more. He goes, Jesus Christ, I did not know this was going to happen when I woke up this morning.
And Julia goes, What about you, Joe? Where are you relative to the mean?
And Joe goes, I’m definitely smaller than a T-rex.
And Julia goes, That’s probably a good thing. Unless you were a T-rex.
And Joe goes, I’d make a great T-rex. I’m already a carnivore. I like to hunt animals and eat them with jalapenos. I don’t know about those tiny arms, though. There’s a lot of things you wouldn’t be able to do, like jerk off or wipe your own butt or smoke a joint. Like how do T-rexes hold hands? When T-rexes are out walking together and they’re in love, do they like to hold hands? Or is that a strictly primate behavior? Elon, what do you think?
And Elon goes, The likelihood that at some point in history two T-rexes have held hands is definitely not zero. I’m sure at some point, two T-rexes were either fighting or fucking and their hands met.
And Joe goes, I’m sure you’re right. Fighting or fucking. One of the two. So, Julia, are you ready to do this?
And Julia goes, You already asked me that.
And Joe goes, What did you say?
And Julia goes, I said yeah, I’m ready.
And Joe goes, Good. Me, too. Or so am I, should I say. I don’t want to upset anyone.
And Julia goes, You got a lighter?
Joe hands her one, Here you go.
He pulls out another one. He and Julia both hold up their little red DMT joints that look like tiny sticks of dynamite.
Julia goes, They look like little sticks of dynamite.
And Joe goes, Prepare to have your mind blown, baby.
And Julia goes, At least someone’s getting blown.
And Elon goes, I’m so jealous right now.
And Joe goes, Don’t be jealous, buddy. We’ll have you back on and you and I will do DMT together and we’ll put that thing on your head.
And Elon goes, Deal.
And Julia goes, By the way, what is DMT?
And Joe goes, It’s a chemical we already have in our brains and bodies. And some people believe it’s what causes us to dream every night when we go to sleep. And some people also believe that it allows us to do a couple things: 1, it parts the veil, the veil between our physical meat-space reality and the ephemeral spiritual hocus-pocus reality of magic and dragons and time travel and astral travel and extraterrestrials and wormholes – although those might be real in our current 3D space and we just aren’t able to see them yet – so you get the idea. And 2, I forgot what I was going to say. Shit. DMT does 2 things. It parts the veil and something else. I’ll think of it in a second. Anyway, it allows you, sometimes, to talk to other beings commonly called elves. Oh, I just remembered the 2nd thing! The 2nd thing is that, and this is a theory I heard, not one which I came up with on my own, so I don’t want to take credit for it. Even though I wish I could because it makes sense to me. It seems obvious in retrospect. As truth usually does. The theory is that people with heightened spiritual abilities may have higher levels of naturally-occurring dimethyltryptamine or DMT in their bodies naturally. All the time. And it’s probably something they were born with. And it allows them to have ESP or to be a medium or to do seances or do a Ouija board by themselves or be a psychic or an animal psychic or whatever it is. But those people with that 6th sense of whatever ability they have, they have more DMT. Like the little kid from the 6th Sense movie, Haley Joel Osment who in the movie can see dead people. He’s totally freaked out. He’s terrified much of the time. And he can’t tell anyone, even his own mother. But maybe he was born with a brain or a pineal gland or a liver or a more developed DMT gland, if there is one, and maybe there is. And so the poor kid can see dead people. And maybe other people develop their ability to produce DMT by being interested in and reading about and studying things like how to be a psychic or to have ESP or do tarot cards or talk to ghosts or whatever it is. By doing that, they’re getting better at it. So every seance the psychic has is like me doing squats in the gym. The more squats I do, the better I get at squatting. And the more seances the psychic does, the better they get at talking to ghosts. So it’s the simple fact of the body’s inherently lazy adaptation process. The body always wants to find homeostasis, to be in the same state where it’s comfortable and therefore more likely to survive. So it adapts to any new stimulus very quickly and allows you to do the thing that you’re doing that triggered the adaptation in the first place. In this case, doing squats or having a seance. But no one really knows for sure. Not yet. Which is part of the fun. We’re breaking new ground here. Uncharted waters. We’re like in Star Trek, boldly going where no one has gone before.
And Julia goes, Wow.
And Elon goes, Yeah, that was a brilliant, really very good, quite cogent explanation, Joe.
And Joe goes, Thank you, Elon. How high are you?
And Elon goes, Um, well… I think… probably…well, on a scale of, say, 1 to 100, with one stone-cold sober and 100 being High As Fuck, I’m about 103, 104, maybe even 106.
And Joe goes, So you’re high as fuck.
And Elon goes, Yeah, for sure. I’m high as fuck. And I’m a little antsy, actually.
And Joe goes, Why are you antsy? Because of the weed?
And Elon goes, No, no. The weed is fine. The weed is…is…awesome. The weed is good. Hehe, clearly very good, which is precisely my point. It’s so good that while I’m sitting here talking to you, part of my brain is designing a new rocket.
And Joe laughs and goes, Of course it is!
And Elon goes, Indeed. To quote Lawrence Fishburne from The Matrix, Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. And this is something I know to be true. Because I’ve seen it over and over again. And right now, I’m seeing it again. Because I had no idea this was going to happen today. And I’m not at home, I’m not in the office, I’m not in Hawthorne or Boca Chica, I’m not at my computer, so I’m not working on rockets. I’m here. Doing this. With you guys. And yet here, now, I just figured it out.
And Julia goes, Figured what out?
And Elon goes, How to get to Mars. Not only that, how to get there faster, better, and safer in a rocket that is going to be much better and far more cost effective than anything we’ve built before. And it’s so obvious to me now that, like you said, in hindsight it seems completely obvious and is therefore truth.
And Joe goes, Wow. Well, I’m glad I could be a part of that discovery. Maybe name a rock after me.
And Elon goes, Name a rocket after you? We don’t really name rockets. They’re not boats. Even though they actually are, of course. Boats in space.
And Joe goes, No, not a rocket; a ROCK. Name a rock after me.
And Elon goes, A rock?
And Joe goes, Yeah, a rock. A really big rock. Either on the Moon or on Mars. Maybe the Moon would be better because then I could go visit it someday and take one of the world’s greatest selfies with it.
And Elon goes, We can certainly do that.
And Joe goes, Awesome. And when there are roads on the Moon, name a street after me. Rogan Road.
And Joe goes, On the count of three, Julia?
And Julia goes, On the count of three, Joe.
And Joe goes, One…two…three.
He and Julia strike their lighters, put the dynamite to their lips, light the end, and inhale.
With a strained voice, Julia goes, Do we hold it?
Joe exhales and goes, Whatever you feel compelled to do, you should do.
Julia exhales, smacks her lips a few times and says, What is that taste? It’s like…burnt.
And Joe goes, Yeah. Some people say charcoal, like on a well-used grill. Some people say tacos. Some people say ass.
And Julia goes, Donkey ass?
And Joe goes, No, ass ass. Like buttholes.
Julia takes another drag, her cheeks pulled in while she stares at Joe. She blows the smoke up toward the ceiling, pausing as she ponders something and goes, Yeah, I can see that. How long does it take?
And Joe goes, How long does what take?
And Julia goes, To see the elves. To depersonalize. To go wherever it is you go.
And Joe goes, I can’t answer that. You’ll have to wait and see. It’s usually a few minutes but it may take 10 minutes.
And Julia goes, And what happens to my body?
And Joe goes, Your body will be here. Elon and Jamie will make sure nothing happens.
And Julia goes, Are my eyes going to close?
And Joe goes, Maybe. If you feel like closing your eyes, close your eyes. Do you feel like closing your eyes?
Julia takes another drag, more relaxed, and goes, Maybe.
And Joe goes, Okay. Elon, everything good on your end? What’s your non-zero probability meter telling you?
And Elon goes, All Julia systems are in the green. She looks nominal.
And Joe goes, See, Julia? You’re nominal.
And Julia goes, That’s good, right?
And Elon goes, Nominal is good, yes.
And Julia goes, Nominal is good and good is nominal. I feel like a bird.
And Joe goes, You feel like you wanna fly?
And Julia goes, I’ve never wanted to fly so bad in my whole life.
She puts her arms out, almost smacking Elon in the face, tilts her head back, and closes her eyes.
That’s our show, folks! Thank you! Have a good night and remember to tip your waitress!
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