Alien Night Club - Show 30?
Alien Night Club <the transcripts>
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Show 30! Hello hello hello, Show 30! Unless it’s not Show 30. It might be 29. Or 28. Or 31. Or 32. But we’re calling it 30.
Good evening, my fellow rageaholics, as well as everyone else. Welcome to the Alien Night Club. I am your host Captain Blank. All aboard the sodomy meat train. Let’s go!
Question: Did you drink coffee today and if so how much? Did you cut back?
Neither did I!
Caffeine-derived adrenaline is what the sodomy meat train runs on. Caffeinated sodomy is what makes the world go round. As opposed to going square. So… many… buttons. Can’t… not… push!
Welcome, welcome, welcome. Happy to have you. I hope you find tonight’s show interesting. We’ll see what happens. I have no idea what’s going to happen. Which is kinda scary. But also kinda exciting. We’ll just do what we always do: dip our hand into the Rainbow River of Love and Creation and see what’s flowing through the Collective Unconscious. I hope we are gifted with some gems. I think we will be. But we’ll see.
Imagine if that show with Amy did really well and a shitload of copycat shows got made.
Remind me to talk about electronics and hormones.
But imagine if every streaming service had one, every network had one. Internal biology shows. Where the characters are all anthropomorphized representations of certain types of cells in our body. And they are in a reality show akin to The Office in which they do their job on-camera. Discussing the job content a tiny bit, but largely not and the reason for that is corporate espionage. You don’t want to broadcast – literally BROADCAST – the innerworkings of your day-to-day operations, personnel, failures, successes, and especially failures. Not to mention revealing all of your trade secrets.
Even though a lot of that stuff is sort of bullshit. You can try to mitigate leakage but eventually your tech or your product or your work is going to get ripped off in some way. And a new competitor will suddenly be on the market, probably a big-ass China-based firm. And they’ll be selling your exact thing which they simply reverse engineered real quick and began manufacturing themselves. So now there’s a cheaper version of your product on the market. Sure, it’s probably not as good as yours. And some people will realize that. But the thing for you to do is to either iterate to refine your product or products or create entirely brand new products. Always stay one step ahead.
Anyway, we were talking about Internal Biology shows. There have been a few. Inside Out. Herman’s Head was one, in which all the characters were parts of the character’s brain. And every episode was a lot of them standing around processing and discussing what the character was doing and experiencing in the world at that moment.
That’s actually a good idea for a new show. A reboot of Herman’s Head. But maybe a different name because some people will associate that with Peewee Herman AKA Paul Reubens.
Which is also a very good idea: Herman’s Head: The Paul Reubens Show. And it’s Paul going around all day with a camera crew. Probably 3 people: a director/writer/producer, a camera operator and DP, and an indispensable, totally kick-ass assistant. Sarah Silverman should be the assistant. And Jimmy Kimmel should be the director/writer/producer. And the camera person should be Marques Brownlee. Marques Fuckin Brownlee. Pardon my French, Marques. That placement of the F Word in your name is there because it represents a volcano-sized amount of Love and Respect we all have for you. And see, the show would be crazy because Paul has had a crazy-ass life. And I mean that in a good way, Paul. We’ve never met, never worked together, we don’t know each other, but I’ve always loved your work. I loved everything Peewee ever did. Watched the movies – big-time – and the Saturday morning show. I still do Today’s Secret Word to this very day. It’s a game I play with myself. And you guys. In my mind. It’s just like on the show where we all say the word for that day and explain what to do when we hear the word, and everyone does a mini rehearsal scream.
Do you guys think Amy Winehouse should’ve gone to rehab? Like someone should’ve physically dragged her there the way Johnny Knoxville and the guys did to Steve-O? I’ve got her song Rehab in my head and I really wish she was still on Earth and hopefully making music.
But we were talking about The Paul Reubens Show. I would watch that. But getting back to why the show would be so good: – and I feel like this is mostly for Marques, because Jimmy and Sarah and Paul already get it – but the reason it would be so good is because Jimmy and Sarah were a couple for a significant amount of time. I was bummed when I heard they broke up. I’ve never met either of them and have no idea what their relationship was like so maybe everyone they know breathed a huge sigh of relief when they heard those two had split up. Maybe they were a hyper-competitive pain in the ass couple. Both of them always trying to be the funny one. Always one-upping each other’s punchlines.
And this is EXACTLY what they’re going to be doing on the show, by the way. And this is exactly why it’s going to be so good. Most of the time won’t even be about Paul getting his oil changed on his car or going to a longevity clinic to get the walls of his bladder rejuvenated. They stick a tube up his penis and feed it slowly in until it’s in his bladder. And then they turn it on and it sprays the inside of his bladder. Like sandblasting the inside of a plastic bag. And in the process, you’re causing microdamage to the walls of the bladder, to the actual tissue, which your body will then work to heal. And when it’s healed, it’ll be bigger and stronger than it was. And some people are all like, No, don’t do it, it’ll cause scarring, it’s so bad for you! And other people are like, I used to have to pee 3 times a night no matter what. But I went to Sunset Sexy Longevity Clinic and had intraurinary abrasion and now I not only sleep through the night, I can screw like a porn star half my age. Thanks, Sunset Sexy!
And it’s like a man in his mid- to late-50s. And he’s jacked. He’s yoked. He’s buff. He’s lean and he’s muscular. He is in shape. He clearly takes care of himself. And he’s good looking enough and honest and self-effacing enough that it makes us like him even more. Which makes him perfect for giving that testimonial.
Testimonials haff to be honest and legitimate or we don’t buy it. We literally don’t buy the product the testimonial is trying to convince us to buy.
But that guy who can screw like a porn star now thanks to Sunset Sexy is attractive. He is an attractive man. And he’s doing the ad in a pair of blue swim trunks. And he has abs. And the trunks are a little snug and you can totally see his package. You can clearly see the outline of his gentleman’s sausage. And it’s not small. It looks pretty good in fact. Even the guys are like, Fuck. Because they know this guy has it going on and his woman wants to do him. And you kinda do too, in a non-gay way. You don’t actually want to have literal sex with him but he is attractive and you would likely agree that if you were gay, this guy would probably be your type. And if you were gay and you met him and he was gay, too, and you were both single, you’d definitely hook up. You’d see each other in a frozen yogurt shop because you’re both jonesin for some of that sweet-ass sugar free mocha flavored protein yogurt sweetened with stevia and reinforced with a massive protein boost that gives a whopping 50 grams of protein in an 8-ounce cup. Yeah, it’s 10.99 so it’s expensive as heck. But there’s almost always a line out the door. Because it’s a legit product. And you guys are in line and you immediately see each other and you both think, Damn, he’s hot. Oh my God. I seriously want him. I need to ask him out. Crap, what should I say?
And at that exact moment, you’re both thinking that. And eventually you guys stammer through a cheesedick introduction where you chat about the line and how long it is. And then you’re like, Do you like it long?
And he’s like, And deep.
And you’re like, OMG, I want him. I wanna take him out, get to know him, and if all goes well, do all the naughty things. And then I’m going to invite him to sleep over and we’re going to go at it like animals. Then we’re going to go to the kitchen for a snack — naked — and then back to the bedroom, to take a shower together. And we’re going to do it Trent Reznor-style like animals again in the shower. And then we’re going to get out of the shower, collapse wet and somehow still horny into the nice big bed and we’re going to make love AGAIN. With a really good sideways 69. Because the 69 is one of the most underrated positions of all time. For some reason, Doggy Style and Missionary get most of the limelight. They’re the influencers. They seem to have the best Product Market Fit. Because they’re the most popular. Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl are both exciting up and comers – puns abound! – and women today are more open to being on top than women of previous generations, who were taught that being open about being horny and being open about the fact that you enjoy and want sex were both considered unattractive attributes or behaviors and that they would cause a decent man to avoid marrying you and building a life with you and supporting you. And because women used to have a lot harder time finding a decent job that would allow them to be self-sufficient, a lot of them projected the image that was most likely to help them attract a reliable partner who wouldn’t get drunk, hit her, and or cheat on her and then leave her. Because that’s a hard life and most people don’t want that.
Point being that the 69 deserves more attention. Feeling your bodies pressed together so you feel close, and your hands are free to squeeze and caress and explore and pleasure each other…. That is amazing. It’s SO good. If you’re not doing it on a regular basis, start. Today. Tonight. As soon as possible. Take a shower, shave, take care of your oral hygiene, make sure your pubes look good, make extra extra EXTRA sure you’re extremely clean. Because lather, rinse, repeat as needed, you know. You don’t want to be a smelly cat.
SB?
SB: Oh, Captain. In those 2 seconds, I thought you were never gonna ask. Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage one more time for our listening pleasure, it’s The Hot Fudge Sundaes doing – and I can’t believe I’m about to say this – : Smelly Cat. Only this time, it IS your fault. Someone is about to put their face between your legs. If it stinks down there, it is absolutely 150% YOUR fault. Ergo you do not want to be a smelly cat. Hit it, fellas!
{musical interlude}
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Earholes reamed and creamed. I liked that one. It’s the first song I think I’ve ever heard extolling the pleasures and virtue of the 69. We should all do a search of all the songs written about the 69 and start spamming every platform with links to them. So we can get 69 trending. It can be a new sexual position: not just The 69 but The Trending 69.
How is it different from the regular 69?
It’s not. It’s exactly the same. But through clever marketing, we’ll make everyone believe that it IS better. And as a result, we’ll make billions of dollars in profits as people all around the world are 69ing each other. It’s a win-win.
But where were we?
Oh, yes: the 2 guys were in line at the yogurt shop, chit chatting and having hardcore, blisslust thoughts and fantasies about each other. And from now on, when people see them together and see how in love they are, they’ll go, So how did you guys meet?
And they’ll say, At Ye Olde Protein Yoghurt Shoppe!
And they’ll laugh about how the name is like a fantasy movie, like their favorite part of Disneyland. And they love the 2 p’s in Shoppe. And they’ll joke about getting married in there. And it’s funny and people are all like, You should totally do it! Get the wedding party ready and you guys put on tuxes and get the person who is going to marry you – or do it yourselves – and we’ll all just go in there and you guys can get married. It’ll take 5 minutes. They won’t have time to have the manager come over and tell you that you can’t get married in there blah blah blah. And especially if you do it when it’s busy. Maybe not a line out the door. Or maybe, I dunno. But you should totally do it!
And they’re like, Yeah, it would be fun. It would be fun to put on our same clothes we were wearing and go back there on that day 1 year later at the same time of day so everything looks the same. So that way we can sort of like relive that day only instead of being shy and thinking sexy thoughts as we both hope the other asks for our number, we could instead say the sexy thoughts directly to each other and then say I Love You and I Do and our whole vows and everything.
And everyone’s like, Awe….
But then they look at each other and they both know they want to do it on a cliff somewhere in Hawaii. Overlooking the blue blue ocean. At sunset. Magic Hour. When everyone looks golden and sexy. And they don’t want to feel rushed. They want to take their time. Which is why they’re going to do it alone. They’re going to go find the perfect spot. And when the time is right, on the right day, they’re going to go up there and confess their love and agree to be married and to be together forever and to forsake all others and never flirt with anyone else. And not to masturbate; to always turn to one another for sexual release.
Point being that one of the guys is in the ad for the longevity clinic. Which is called Sunset Sexy Longevity. Because after they’re done with you, you’ll be ready to get your life in order so that you can afford to go to a nice romantic beach at sunset and wear a rather small bathing suit and have the absolutely rocking body you’ve always wanted.
And the guy in the ad had intraurinary abrasion. And now his bladder feels like it did when he was a teenager and he could drink a gallon of iced tea and not have to pee for 2 to 3 hours. And when he did pee, he’d pee for over a minute every time. With a strong, hard flow, too, by the way; not a trickle. A crazy amount of urine. And everyone who knows him well goes out with him and they go to the bathroom together and they’re standing at the urinals together and he’s still going when the other guy finishes. And the other guy goes and washes his hands and dries them and maybe splashes water on his face and freshens up a little and dries himself off and tucks in his shirt again or adjusts his clothing in some way. The point is that he does a lot of stuff. And even after doing all of that – and a lot of time passing – probably close to 1 minute – the other guy is STILL peeing. And the dude at the sink is like, How are you still peeing?
And he goes, Intraurinary abrasion at Sunset Sexy Longevity clinic on Sunset in Hollywood. Super cool place, top of the line in every way, brand new, clean, modern, state of the art. And with a staff you would not believe. Not only is everybody in there who works there hot, and super smart and knowledgeable and educated, they’re all so nice, too. They’re the sweetest, most genuine, funny emm effers, too. They have a club you can join, too. It’s where you get points for procedures and then redeem the points for raffle tickets to win prizes at one of their monthly meetings. And the raffle prizes include things like all-expenses-paid trips to Paris for 14 days with a first-class flight and luxury accommodations AND a daily food allotment of $1500, and motorcycles and grand pianos and exotic cars and penthouse condos on Miami Beach. Miami Beach! And I absolutely joined it. And at the last meeting, we won a trip to Maui. So we’re going to go and reinstate our vows on the beach at sunset. But mostly we’re going because they have a luxury property on the beach with its own private beach. And you can pick any room in the house. And you can stay there up to 21 days. And the house has full staff. Kitchen staff so they’ll cook you anything you want, wait staff so they’ll serve you out by the pool, and housekeeping staff so they’ll come and tidy up your room any time you want. And it’s all totally chill and the staff are all wearing bikinis, silk robes, or lingerie. It’s awesome. It makes the Playboy Mansion look like an AA meeting, too, by the way. The best weed in the world is grown there. Literally grown there. In an actual outdoor, fully-licensed and regulated facility with its own dispensary. And you can install their app, shop the various cannabis products, and if you decide you want to smoke a joint while floating in the pool on a raft while watching the sunset, you order it on your phone and then a sexy human wearing almost nothing will bring that joint to you. And if you want them to, they will put it in your mouth and light it for you. And sometimes they even light it themselves, take a huge hit off it, exhale like a dragon, and hand it to you and say, I got it going for you. Let me know if you need anything else. And they walk away. They get out of the pool and leave you there to smoke your joint and wonder what just happened. Because there’s no sex between guests and staff. At least, that’s the rule. I’m sure there are times when it happens because there have been several weddings there and at least 2 of them were between people who met there for the first time ever. So whether or not they hooked up there as well, who knows? The point is, I feel like I found a new family. I’ve gotten to know so many amazing new people. And they’re as generous as they are wealthy, too. Which is something I really like because otherwise how can you enjoy a million-dollar car when you have done nothing to alleviate the suffering of others by giving at least that much to charity? I can only enjoy my toys because I’ve given more than that to charity. And I’ve seen my money literally change lives. It’s not like it goes into the pockets of the people running the charity. Although that happens. I always choose smaller ones so I can see where the money goes. And we always do it in chunks so it gets allocated and when it’s spent, then I donate more. So it’s not like I give them a million dollars all at once and the CEO absconds with it and sets up shop in Fiji or Phuket.
So, anyway, Paul Reubens is going to see this ad and decide to go get his bladder abraded so he can fall in love in a yogurt shop and join a Hawaiian sex cult.
And Jimmy and Sarah are going to follow him there, arguing about how to get the whole thing on video while telling jokes and insulting each other and telling everyone all the annoying shit the other one used to do in bed. And the whole time, Marques is going to be kind of ignoring them and running the Red camera so he can make sure to get good video and audio of Paul doing crazy stuff on The Paul Reubens Show.
So, yeah, a whole lot of Internal Biology shows. Woody Allen did it a long time ago, by the way, with a movie called Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask. It’s awesome. Check it out if you’ve never seen it. It’s got an amazing cast. It’s a series of short films. And one of them is about a guy who goes on a date and all the characters are inside his body controlling things. And Woody Allen is a sperm. He’s dressed as a sperm. Surrounded by lots of other sperm. And they’re all in a big white room, waiting to go. Like paratroopers waiting to jump out of a plane somewhere over Europe in 1944. Gene Wilder has sex with a sheep in lingerie. A giant breast roams the countryside. It’s great.
Dick and Balls is one such show. It’s about a guy named Dick and his friend Balls. And they run the dick and balls on a penis-wielding Earthling Human. And it’s the constant conversation between 2 guys who want to get laid but also don’t want to impregnate because the time isn’t right yet; they haven’t met the right person. And also they don’t want to get an STD. VD for the seasoned folk.
By the way, does it seem like calling VD an STI is doing a disservice to people? An infection seems like something you can treat and cure easily with a small bottle of pills you got from a doctor you talked to online. They came via courier THAT day. You didn’t even haff to go to a pharmacy. And you take those and you’re fine. Not find. Fine. Because as we know when you put a d at the end of fine, you’re not fine. And if you have sex indiscriminately without protection — and, more importantly: DISCRETION – you’ll be putting d’s at the end of everything. Because fine is one thing your sorry ass will not be. You can get a quote unquote infection that kills you. That destroys your life. To minimize that by calling it an infection is disingenuous, misleading, and stupid because it’s a really bad idea that is giving people information that is simply not accurate or correct or true and the consequences of basing their decisions and actions on that information could literally get them killed.
We don’t tell people that they can go 165 miles per hour on the freeway and absolutely nothing bad will happen.
So why do we tell them that they can have sex with every person they meet without worrying about protection?
Sex is supposed to be more than just a handshake.
And if that’s all it is to you, I’m not sure what to say. Maybe you’re right and I’m wrong but the archetypal tropes we’ve all grown up with for decades and decades celebrate love, intimacy, friendship, and monogamy. It holds up rampant promiscuity as dangerous behavior most often engaged in by young people who either don’t know any better or who are so horny that they simply don’t care. But even then, everyone knows it’s not a good idea. It’s the same reason we have the jilted lover trope; the joke about 2 people who meet, have sex, and then the one who is supposed to call the other never calls. And we all accept the fact that that person is an asshole and that they shouldn’t have done that. And we sympathize with the person who got screwed over. Screwed and then ghosted.
So why is that?
And would it be so if having sex with as many people as possible was the better way to go?
If we didn’t all haff to decide whether this person is hot enough to get their cooties, maybe things would be easier and simpler.
If we could have random sex – what in the 60s they called Free Love – without consequences, maybe it would be better. Maybe there’d be less divorce. If everyone just humped at will, maybe we’d all be happier. What if instead of going to the gym or to yoga class or a spin class, you went to a lover’s club?
This is another reality show, by the way. We discover it when Paul Reubens goes there. It’s called Club Love. And they’re everywhere. Chains of hookup joints. And you go there and use your phone to find a person you think is attractive, have them meet you somewhere in the building or on the property, out by the pool or in the jacuzzi or at the bar or in the media room where movies are always playing – both regular movies and porn – and then when you see them, you guys talk for a bit. And at a random time, after about 30 seconds, one of you gets a text message. And it’s an automated service asking you if you’d like to continue. If you tap Yes, you stay and the 2 of you keep talking. And eventually have sex. If you don’t feel anything with the person, you can tap No, and then the software will send someone to fetch you. And it’s the least-humiliating way to reject someone. So then everyone is constantly talking about how many times you’ve been fetched on. Meaning the person you were talking to hit NO! on their phone and someone came and fetched them and dragged them away from you.
That show has A LOT of sex in it. And the powers that be who demand that it be taken down are all like, That free love shit didn’t work in the 60s. What makes you think it’s going to work now?
And someone is like, It’s a different time now. People are stressed out now. We realize that the world might be ending. So we want to hump. A lot.
And then the powers that be go, We thought the world was ending, too! All anyone ever talked about was nuclear weapons and nuclear bombs blowing up during testing and there were constantly pictures of them in all the newspapers and we all thought we were going to die. World War 1 and World War 2 had JUST happened. Lots of people were alive who fought in one or both of those wars. And we all thought it was going to happen again. So of course we started smoking weed and screwing our brains out. You guys think you invented that? Getting high and having sex? People have been doing that for hundreds of thousands of years. Ever since hallucinogenic mushrooms were discovered. People probably saw animals rolling around on the ground acting happy and weird and they saw in their poop that the animals were eating certain berries or leaves or mushrooms. And it looked like fun and – most importantly – the animal didn’t die, so they decided to do it, too. And pretty soon everyone was high as shit having a nice orgie. How else did the species propagate? You know how you see old pictures of agrarian families who had 10 to 12 kids? And you always go, Man, that’s a lot of kids. And it is. But they needed that many to work the farm or work a job to earn money so everyone could buy food and not die. And a lot of people died of stupid stuff like infections or illnesses nobody understood. And there were very few if any medicines back then. Certainly no antibiotics to cure your hopefully inane and transient quote unquote STI.
But the point is that with 15 kids, you know those people had a lot of sex. Masturbation was not akin to playing video games or picking your nose or eating Doritos. So yeah, they were having a lot of sex. It’s why people got married. Because sex outside marriage was a bad idea. If you got pregnant or you got someone pregnant and the two of you weren’t married, you sort of ruined your life. Because you destroyed your reputation. Everyone knew what you did. And that bastard child was the scarlet letter you wore forever. And the child usually had to be sent away. And the mother with it.
The point is that it’s not that different now. Everyone likes to say there’s more pressure. More bullying, et cetera. But that’s not the same as going off to die in combat in a foreign war. Maybe draft dodgers during Vietnam had a point. There’d been enough killing from WW1, WW2, Korea, and Vietnam. Not to mention dozens if not hundreds of other incidents between other groups which didn’t directly involve the United States. People were SICK and TIRED of fighting, war, and death. And they knew if another world war started, nukes would almost certainly be involved and that those nukes would destroy the entire planet. So of course they said Hell, no, we won’t go.
But at the same time, other people were like, No, you guys, we haff to go stop Communism. We haff to go protect Freedom. This is the same as defeating Hitler.
And the Hell no people are like, No, it’s not like defeating Hitler at all. It’s about imperialism and not minding our own business. Just leave those people alone and bring everybody home.
And that difference of opinion makes people so angry that they want to have 2 different Americas.
Anyway….
We were talking about Dick and Balls. Thursday nights on NBC, 8 o’clock, followed by Love Club at 9. It’s Must See TV, alright.
Peter Dinklage plays Dick. He’s the one in charge. And Chris Pratt plays Balls. And the balls are kinda small. And everyone they get intimate with says, You’ve got a big dick. But really tiny balls. And Peter jokes that everything went into making him and that’s all that was left. And Chris cries out, That is not all that was left! and acts all dejected and angry. And Peter always gets to make the decisions.
And it’s completely POV. The only time we see the face of the person we’re inside is when they walk by a mirror or have their picture taken or are in a video. Otherwise, it’s just them looking around and watching as people play with their huge penis. And it’s a lot of Peter Dinklage saying outrageous stuff during sex. And Pratt feeds him all the best lines. And it’s basically a penis-focused Cyrano de Bergerac but instead of a big nose he has a big schlong. Or tiny balls. Depending on how you want to look at it. The point is that a lot of women balk when they see the penis. They literally say, Nope! or Sorry! or I have to go! when they see it. And as a consequence, Peter is neurotic as hell. Which is why he’s always saying all kinds of messed up stuff in order to get psyched up. And Pratt is constantly offering beautiful, meaningful things to say. But when it comes down to it, Peter is the penis; it is therefore on him to perform. Pratt has the luxury of just being along for the ride. Like training wheels.
And the REAL fun comes whenever they find someone who LIKES it. Who is INTO it. And can’t get enough of the elephant schlong. And the everpresent series arc is whether or not to go into porn and monetize the endowment. Or to do Onlyfans so they get to be in charge. Or not to do it at all. Because once you’ve done sex stuff online for money, you’re sort of tainted. Most people wouldn’t settle down with a porn star. There’s something about human evolutionary biology that rewards and demands monogamy. Perhaps it’s as simple as one of them stays home with the kids and tries to keep everyone alive while the other goes out and tries to find food. And the pairs that are the best at that are the ones who pass on their genes. Because the other ones get eaten by something bigger. Which is why the lone wolf usually starves to death.
Obviously this is largely mammals and a lot of reptiles mate and part and likely never see each other again and one of them lays the eggs and that’s that. And the babies are on their own and a lot of them don’t make it. Like sea turtles.
But animals reared by their parents is another model of evolutionary biology. Rearing your young for 25 years is pretty crazy, though, is it not? Because that’s how long a lot of the human young are staying in the nest. If you’re one of those nestlings, make a plan to get out on your own. And stay there.
But no, the world is so expensive today that you haff to stay with your parents until at least 5 to 10 years after you get out of med school or you get your PhD and get that teaching job at Harvard.
No, you don’t.
In fact, it’s the opposite of that. Figure out a way to do it on your own. That way, you can know in your heart that you truly earned it. It’s yours and no one can take it away from you. And in the process you learned what you’re capable of. And you discovered that you’re capable of a lot. It’s hard sometimes and sometimes you want to quit or give up or maybe even die somehow, just so you don’t haff to deal with any of this bullshit anymore. But those days are few and far between. And overall you like your life. And the reason you like it is because it’s yours.
But each of us has to find the amount of autonomy we require. The more we’re willing to accept financial assistance, the less autonomy we’re likely to have.
If you get up every day and go live your life and most people who know you really don’t have any idea what you do every day, you like a high level of autonomy.
If only a few close friends know about the crap you haff to put up with for your job but your family only hears surface stuff during holiday get-togethers, you like a high level of autonomy.
If you start your day by asking your mom or dad to loan you money, and after that’s over with your mom says something about what you ate yesterday, you do not presently have a high level of autonomy. You may think you do. But you were just handed money and were told to eat your vegetables. So you’re a giant child. And there’s some changes you need to make.
You guys ever seen that video where the elephant sits on a guy and the guy goes up the elephant’s butt or into its vagina and is trapped in there? And the elephant doesn’t get up. And the poor guy perishes inside the elephant. Imagine having to do THAT on Fear Factor. Or for the latest Gram or Tiktok challenge: How long can you hold your breath inside an elephant?
But imagine that happening. You’re in an elephant. Freaking out. Probably for several minutes. And it’s completely dark and you can’t breathe. And you start punching the walls and hitting it, trying to make it stand up so you can get out. And you’re thinking someone saw it happen and knows the elephant sat on you and they’re going to make the elephant stand up and you’ll fall out of it. And by the time you leave work today, you guys will be laughing about it.
But the elephant DOESN’T get up. You’re stuck in there. Maybe you pull out your phone and turn on the flashlight and dial your coworker or 911 or something.
But there’s no signal.
That’s the punchline. There’s no cell service inside an elephant.
There probably would be, though. Don’t you think?
But what if your arms are in a weird position and you can’t get your phone out of your pocket? And you’re shouting, Hey, Siri! or Hey, Google! trying to get it to call for help. But it can’t hear you. It turns out that elephant orifices are superb anechoic chambers. An anechoic chamber is a place where sound is recorded, usually for music or movies. And the walls are covered in foam or some sort of material that absorbs sound. So when you’re in there, it’s very, very quiet and still. And there’s no echo whatsoever. And you can barely hear what is said because the sound waves that pass you and hit the walls don’t bounce back to you. So the only way you can hear what someone says is to hear it the first time the waves pass over you right as they’re saying it.
What if David Blaine got some SCUBA gear and decided to see how long he could live inside of an elephant? He and Chris Angel. They could have a competition. To do a tandem livestream, each from inside his own elephant.
How many people would watch that?
So which show would you rather binge? Free Love or Mommy Knows Best, which is a modern family sitcom in which the alphafemale runs the household.
Humans seem to need love in order to thrive. And they’re more likely to get that in a stable home environment where they’re not overly concerned with survival. Sure, some people are single kids of single parents or are even foster kids with no one looking out for them. And some of them go on to do great things. But the majority of them are a mess and are lost in the system and are more likely to live lives involving drugs and alcohol, crime, law enforcement, and perhaps even incarceration at some level and for some period of time.
These people are like the sea turtles that crawl out of the egg and scramble across the sand to the water before they get eaten alive by a bird. And if they do make it to the water, they’re still likely to be eaten alive by something bigger. And if they survive all of that, and they grow up to be adult sea turtles, they still live a very solitary life. Which is why turtles have such a serious look on their face. Kind of like they’re scowling. They’re like, Yes, human, give me the watermelon and then go away. Oh, and thanks for getting that fishing net off my flipper. That shit was excruciating. See ya.
And you’re like, Wait, can we glue this tracker to your shell and paint a number on you before you go? So all the other sea life will look at you and go, Damn, stay away from that one.
And the turtle goes, Hell, no.
And you’re like, Okay, um, we’re gonna do it anyway. Just sit tight.
And the turtle is like, Screw this, I’m outta here.
And it starts paddling its fins and swimming away.
Except that there’s a big dude or even several people holding it up in the air so it can’t actually escape. And they stick the tracker on its shell and paint a great big 41 on its shell in orange numbers. And the 40 other turtles all get together and welcome 41 to the group and they all hang out together and pout because they’re outcasts now. So they just hang around each other. And the humans who put the trackers on are like, Wow, all the turtles we tagged are living in the same area now! That’s amazing!
And the turtles are like, There’s nothing amazing about it, you sadistic morons.
And then the whales and dolphins in captivity are like, What the hell are you guys complaining about? At least you’re out there. In the actual ocean. We’re stuck in here. You know how bad this water is? Christ, it’s like swimming in your own dirty toilet bowl. And the humans think it’s great and we love it because they throw us fish all day. But really we’re thinking, Come a little closer, asswipe. I dare you. Let’s see if you can hold your breath longer than David Blaine and Chris Angel inside an elephant.
And the gorillas are like, Would you all just shut up? You’d all be dead if you were out there.
And a bunch of the whales and dolphins are like, Fine with me!
But others are like, No, this is better. The humans aren’t that bad. Most of them are trying really hard to make it not suck here.
And the other ones are like, But it does suck here. No matter how many of these asswipes we drag to the bottom.
And the gorillas are like, You guys need someone to show you pictures on their phone. That’s a riot. And to toss you some edibles. Then you’ll see that things aren’t so bad. That it could be worse.
And that’s true. It could always be worse.
And then the homeless human drug addicts stuck outside freezing their asses off with no hope whatsoever are like, It can’t possibly be worse.
And then the Chinese factory workers who want to end their lives by jumping off the roof hear that, give them the finger without even looking up from the assembly line, and go back to work thinking about what other building they could jump off of and is it high enough and how do they get up there and will it hurt when they hit the ground?
And there’s sex slaves living in cages right now who want to gouge your eyes out and rip your nose off with their teeth because they're so offended by that statement.
Slaves. In cages. At this very moment. And somehow we’re looking at makeup tutorials and monster trucks and posting pictures of our food, wondering if we should stop and get more wine on the way home.
Hello, big picture.
Somewhere right now 2 people are getting happily married while also right now another person – a living, breathing, flesh and blood human being – is locked in a cage.
How can those 2 things exist simultaneously?
How can God allow that?
How is it that the person in the cage attracted their own imprisonment via the Law of Attraction?
Is that their fate?
Were they a complete bastard in a past life? Were they a zookeeper in their previous life? And now it’s their turn to be the one in the cage?
And even the gorillas are like, Damn…. We can breakdance and watch magic tricks through the glass and go unknowingly viral on this thing we’re unaware of called YouTube. And we think it sucks that we’re trapped in here, and we’d rather be running around in a misty jungle. Meanwhile, you’re waiting to be raped to death.
And the slave is like, SHUT UP AND GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!! Why is no one doing anything? Why isn’t anyone coming to save me? What kind of world lets this go on?
And the atheists are like, See? Do you hyper-religious dildoes see now why I think what I think? While you idiots are going on and on about guardian angels guiding you to your soul mate in the ketchup aisle or yoghurt shoppe with two P’s, these poor people are literally forced to live in cages and no one is coming to save them because no one even knows they’re there.
And the person in the cage is like, No one even knows I’m here? WHAT THE FUCK!?! One minute I was walking with my sister and some guys in a van pulled up and grabbed us and dragged us into the van. And the next thing I know, I’m waking up in a fucking cage. In the dark. And I’m naked. And it’s cold. And I’m alone. And if I make noise, a man comes and urinates on me and laughs and leaves me in darkness again. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. So I pray for death to a god who is either the biggest piece of shit in the world or who simply does not exist.
Has anyone ever done a study in which they’ve collected and analyzed the collective religious and or spiritual beliefs of former sex slaves?
Do they blame God for being a slave or praise God for being rescued?
How can the God who rescued them allow them to be kidnapped and sold into slavery in the first place?
Is that like you letting your kid be late to school so they can get detention and see what it’s like being with all the problem children? So they will hopefully find that they don’t want to be like that and will therefore start waking up on their own from now on? And will be less of an asshole while getting ready in the morning? And they’ll actually say Thank You for the lunch you prepared for them or the lunch money you handed to them?
There’s entire schools of philosophy and hundreds of years of debate devoted to this very contradiction.
So don’t beat yourself up if it seems irreconcilable.
Everything old is new again. Which is why timeshares still exist.
A lot of women with big breasts wish they had small breasts. And a lot of women with small breasts wish they had large breasts. And a lot of guys with smaller dicks wish they had a big dick. And a lot of guys with horse cocks wish they had a more normal sized penis.
Granted none of those is anywhere near being a slave forced to live in a cage.
How do the people who interact with the slaves justify it to themselves? What happened in their life to shape them into a person who can go along with such a thing?
And one day a new hire shows up for their first day and they see all the cages full of human slaves and they immediately have an existential crisis – albeit a minor one – and their coworkers see this and say, Don’t worry, they’re all a bunch of assholes anyway.
And the new person goes, Where did they come from?
And they say, America.
And the new person goes, Oh. Okay, then.
And they go on with their day, stopping to urinate on a slave just for the heck of it, whistling all the while.
Such is the reputation of America that people not only deem it alright to kidnap an American in order to sell them into literal bondage, they wouldn’t mind if the whole country was wiped off the map or taken over or invaded or whatever. Except for the fact that it would probably hurt the bottom line and they’d get laid off and would have no choice but to go back to work at the cell phone factory.
The one with the nets all around the roof so no one can jump off.
You guys back on Earth probably can’t see or hear this but there are aliens – beings, locals – here in the theater laughing their asses off and saying that humans are so stupid that they don’t realize Earth is a giant zoo and they’re all watching us run around and do sex, because we’re a species who procreates through sexual reproduction. And they get off on watching other creatures mate.
And we humans tend to like that, too: voyeurism. So I guess we’re all the same.
And they’re like, Yeah, let them try to go to Mars. They’re so cute with their little rockets. Let’s let them try. Let’s see if they can actually get there without dying and before they defile their planet to the point of blatant inhospitability.
It’s like watching a toddler learn to walk, sitting on the floor and using the coffee table to pull themselves up for the first time. Yay, you can walk! Yay, you can walk…on Mars!
Remember that Twilight Zone episode where the astronauts landed on another world and the lone survivor was put into a house from the 50s that was actually a cage and all the other aliens came and looked at him and didn’t seem to care that he shook the bars and raged against his captivity?
So by the time humans are a multi-planet species with fully functioning self-sustaining bases on both the Moon and Mars, to what extent do you anticipate either or both of those civilizations will be centers of caffeinated sodomy? To what extent will the other multi-planet species rejoice and say, Oh, look! The humans have created another place to rut. I do love to watch humans rut.
Apparently so do humans.
The only thing better than rutting is watching rutting.
The only thing better than driving a racecar is watching someone else drive a racecar. The only thing better than playing football is watching someone else play football. The only thing better than playing video games is watching someone else play video games. The only thing better than putting on makeup is watching someone else put on makeup. The only thing better than selling put options is watching someone else explain how to sell put options. And the only thing better than being inside someone or having someone inside you is watching things going in and out of other people.
Remember how in the 50s they had movies for high school kids about how to drive safely? You think some day in the future there will be movies for high school kids about how the proper way to insert a penis into an orifice is gently and with love, rather than in the middle of a school cafeteria?
Just kidding, that already exists. And has for some time. And it’s as embarrassing now as when it was created.
Unless you’ve seen the documentary Kids. Not so embarrassing then.
We were supposed to talk about electronics and hormones. During the pandemic, prepubescent girls all over the world entered puberty earlier than expected and no one knew why. Everyone figured it was stress and social isolation and fear of everyone on Earth succumbing to the new plague.
But it turns out that it was the extra time spent exposed to blue light from phones, tablets, and computers.
So, parents of children, put the device on Easy Eye mode and or shorten stroke limit their screen time and or get them a pair of blue light blocking glasses to wear when they’re using their device. Those silly orange ones you like to make fun of.
Otherwise in 100 years we’re gonna have 8 year olds with breasts and menstrual cycles. Not good. Let a kid be a kid. At least for a while. For as long as is appropriate.
And that means keeping them out of cages.
Obviously.
Remember last night when we were talking about Aubrey Plaza dressing up as the Joker for the Halloween party? In The Dark Knight, Morgan Freeman knows Christian Bale, Bruce Wayne, is Batman. When they look at the new gadgets – very 007 – they’re both dressed in business suits. And speaking normally. And Morgan, aka Lucius, is literally showing Bruce his new armor, Batman’s armor. But later, when Christian Bale shows Morgan Freeman the cell phone-based sonar imaging system he’s using to find the Joker, he’s dressed as Batman and speaking with his deep, raspy Batman voice.
Why?
Why use the deep Batman voice?
Lucius KNOWS he’s Batman. Is Lucius thinking, Jesus, drop the accent already. The suit is method enough!
That’s our show!
Thank you for coming!
See you tomorrow night.
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