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Hello, hello, hello, welcome to the show! Show 43?
Show notes:
Smile with Your Eyes. Or… How to Make Friends with a Cat.
Basically you simply close your eyes a few times and show the cat you trust that they’re not going to attack you with your eyes closed.
Mama Gigolo. 1st-Class Relief for the Busy Single Mom.
That one’s self-explanatory.
Hi, everyone. A couple of things. First, Sam and Colby, You Tubers in the paranormal nitch, if the thing with the candles is legit — IF THIS IS _REAL_ — then these guys deserve a friggin massive university grant to fund additional research BECAUSE they have documentary evidence of the paranormal. The other option, of course, is that somebody was off camera with a fan and they turned it on at that moment. Now, obviously, most of us concur that Sam & Colby are honest and what happened in this vid, as in all their vids, is legit.
Second: the Black Dahlia. They said she was drained of blood and cut in half, right? Yikes. Remember when they went to Transylvania to Vlad's castle? There was some artwork in there depicting what Vlad the Impaler would do to his victims. Including artwork showing a person inverted with two other dudes sawing them in half.
So, by that rationale, vampirism in its most terrifying, non-Sparkly Edward form is alive and well in L.A. Or at least it was at that time of the Black Dahlia. Her name was Elizabeth — Beth — and her dad, Cleo, built miniature golf courses. Until the stock market crash in 1929 wiped him out. He took his own life by jumping from a bridge into a river.
Beth is only 6 at the time.
Her mom Phoebe gets a job as a bookkeeper to support herself and her 4 girls. Beth grows up with chronic asthma and bronchitis. Maybe she internalizes the notion of her father drowning. She has to undergo scary-ass lung surgery when she is 15. Shortly after that, during her sophomore year of high school, she drops out.
13 years after his suicide, her mom gets a letter in the mail. From him. "Oh, gee, sorry, guys, I felt like a loser so I faked my own death. But I'm fine. I'm in Vallejo. They're gonna build a sweet amusement park here someday."
Beth hears about this and says, "Peace! I'm out!" and she leaves Boston to go to California and live with her dad. It was probably the happiest day of her life.
Unfortunately, there's too much guilt and anger neither of them is equipped to handle and living with daddy totally sucks and they're fighting all the time so she moves out after just a couple months. So much for the family reunion.
She winds up in Santa Barbara, drinking in a bar one day. She ain't 21. She gets arrested, booked, and sent back to Boston to her mom. Except she's like, "Nope!" and goes to Florida instead, where she had lived previously after doctors said the warmer weather there would be better for her lungs than Boston.
She meets this dreamy military officer dude and they fall in love. But he gets shipped out to go fight in the Pacific theater because WWII is still going because it's 1945. The poor guy gets in a plane crash in India. He sends a letter to Beth back in Florida, saying he's okay and that he wants to marry her when he gets home.
She's stoked.
Then she finds out he got into ANOTHER plane crash and didn't survive. Dude! That's so horrible and sad. And it's 1 week before the war ends. Argh!
She hangs out in Florida for about a year, probably in shock, crushed, lost, sad. The next summer, she goes out to California again to see this guy she sorta knows in L.A. who is also in the military. It seems she has a thing for military guys. Of course she does; she lost her daddy when she was only 6. She craves that structure and self-discipline that the military teaches you. Or maybe she just has a thing for a man in a uniform. Or maybe she's trying to recreate what she had with her guy who died in the plane crash.
In Hollywood, she gets a job as a waitress and rents a room behind a little club on Sunset. She's thinking about trying her luck in movies. Why the heck not?
About 6 months later, her boyfriend drops her off at the Biltmore so she can meet her sister, who is in town visiting from Boston. That guy is married. Not good. Again, Beth's traumatic, fatherless childhood is compelling her perhaps-questionable taste in men. It's January 9th, the holidays and New Year's have just wrapped up, she's psyched for a good year, she's gonna get into acting and be hobnobbing with celebs in no time. And her boyfriend is, of course, definitely going to leave his wife for her. Ahem.
The staff at the hotel see her on a lobby phone, as Sam & Colby were told/stated in the video. She leaves the Biltmore and goes to a cocktail lounge one-and-a-half football fields down the street. Super close. Maybe she talked to her sister and they arranged to meet later, who knows. Maybe she called a guy. Who knows?
If only Beth had decided to have that drink at the Biltmore.
6 days later, a woman who lives near USC is going for a walk one morning around 10 a.m. with her three-year-old. They're walking past a vacant lot and she sees a white mannequin. As they get closer, she realizes it's not a mannequin. She scoops up her little girl, runs home, and phones the police.
They come, do their thing, and later identify the remains as Elizabeth Short.
Who had been missing for 6 days.
What happened during those 6 days?
It's too awful to contemplate.
Some reporters hear about this and want to get the scoop. So they call her mom, Phoebe, back in Boston and tell her Beth has won a beauty contest and they need some basic info. Only at the end of the conversation do they tell her that her daughter's mutilated body was found in a vacant lot. Those same d-bag reporters splash the story on the front page of the Examiner newspaper every day for over a month. Some refer to it as the Werewolf Murder.
A MASSIVE, MASSSSSIVE investigation ensues. To no avail.
Beth is buried in Oakland. Her mother even moves to Oakland for a time to be closer to her.
In response to her demise, two weeks later, California enacts its statewide sex registry for you-know-what's. It is the first state to do so.
Beth was only 23.
Ergo, Colby, Sam, and Zak Bagan, we need to talk. I have an idea for you. We can talk about it in the garden. Zak holayhk bah gahn.
You haff to sign an NDA before I tell you what it is, though. It’s simply a document stating that you will not discuss this idea with anyone else for the purposes of using it without me without compensating me 3% of net profits of the movie and all merch. And we’re gonna film you guys taking an oath, decreeing that you agree not to screw me over. That’s all it is. If you want the idea and want to collab with me and have me be part of the team on this one, since it is my idea, it need not necessarily be 3%. I’m totally open to working out something equitable for all of us and to the ultimate benefit of the project in order to make it the first priority. But if you prefer to take the idea and run with it and not have me actively helping produce, 3%, and you guys have total creative control with zero input from me. Unless you want some. Then just reach out to me and ask and I’ll totally help. It’s fine. And finally, if you aren’t interested, mum’s the word.
The idea is this:
You guys went to Zak’s museum and you met Peggy. Sam even had a staring contest with her. But here’s the thing: Colby looked at her through the camera. So he was mostly thinking about getting the shot for the sake of the video. Rather than on being scared. So when he turns the camera, he sees Peggy through the camera, on the screen. And he thinks she’s actually quite beautiful. He feels nothing but love for her right away.
And she feels the same for him.
She sees him turn the camera to her and something about it is a huge turn-on for her. She feels as though she’s posing for this man who is attracted to her. And who wants to see her through his camera. Which makes her want to be seen. And suddenly she wants to be naked before him. With him. She wants him inside her. For eternity.
And Colby feels the same way about her.
He is instantly in love with her.
And she with him.
He and Peggy look at each other and agree not to say anything.
Yet.
Everyone says goodbye to Peggy and leaves her little room in order to continue the tour.
But sometime later, Colby goes back. He convinces Sam to do another video there. An overnight video.
Sam agrees. Of course he does.
So they go back and spend the night there. And Colby says up-front that he wants to see Peggy again. He and Sam talk about all the exhibits they liked and didn’t like. And Colby says for some reason he liked Peggy the best.
Sam suggests he spend the night with Peggy.
Colby agrees.
They tour the museum. Colby makes a beeline for Peggy. Sam comments on this. He watches as they see Peggy for the first time after coming back as Colby has a visceral, almost strange reaction to her. Colby goes right up to her case and puts his hands on it and leans right up to the glass and says, Hi.
Sam notices this. He says it is kind of weird. Like almost with lust. He asks Colby if he wants to go look around some more at the other stuff.
Colby says, Yeah, yeah 100%. In a minute.
Sam is all like, You want to stand here for a minute staring at a haunted doll?
And Colby goes, You got to have a staring contest with her last time, I didn’t. I was busy holding the camera, making sure we got the shot.
And Sam goes, Okay. Well, just chill here, then, I guess, while I go look around. I guess, come find me when you’re done here.
Colby doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t respond.
Sam goes, Colby, you hear me?
Colby doesn’t respond. He’s just staring into the case. At Peggy. They’re practically touching.
Sam says, Colby!
Colby continues staring into the case, directly at Peggy, and goes, Yeah, man. I hear you. Be there in, like, 5.
And still he doesn’t look away.
Sam goes, Okay. And walks out. He calls out, Bye, Peggy, over his shoulder. Because he’s a thoughtful and considerate lad.
He goes and explores, looking at the things he wanted to see, vlogging all the while. Finally he goes, Did you guys think Colby was acting weird? It’s been way more than 5 minutes and he’s not here yet.
He checks his phone.
He goes, It’s been over an hour. It’s been 66 minutes. May as well be 666 minutes. And he’s not here yet. He’s probably staring at Peggy.
Sam makes his way back through the museum to Peggy’s tea party room. Colby is there, staring into the case. He hasn’t moved.
Sam goes up to him and grabs his arm, hard, and goes, Hey, man! What the fuck!
Colby is stunned and surprised.
Sam goes, You’ve been staring at that thing for over an hour.
And Colby goes, No I haven’t.
Sam shows him the time on his phone. Sam goes, It’s like she had you in some kind of trance.
They joke about it and leave the room.
Colby turns back and goes, Don’t worry. I’ll be back. Soon. Bye, Peggy.
This time, Sam doesn’t say goodbye to Peggy.
They explore the rest of the museum. Eventually they sort of forget about just how weird it was that Colby stood there for an hour staring at Leggy Leggy Peggy.
Because that’s her real name. That’s what people called her when she was alive. Leggy Leggy Peggy. Because she had such great, long, sexy legs. Before she was murdered and became a restless spirit who somehow landed in a doll.
And Sam goes, Wait a minute. Leggy Leggy Peggy? Where did you hear that? Did you read that? Because I don’t remember reading that.
And Colby goes, No, she told me.
Sam goes, She told you?
Colby says, Yeah.
Sam says, She told you that her name was Leggy Leggy Peggy?
Colby says, Yeah.
Sam says, Dude, what the fuck? How did she tell you that?
Colby says, She just did. I can hear her voice.
Sam says, You can hear her voice?
Colby says, Yeah. And she can hear mine.
Sam says, And she can hear yours? Did you talk to her?
Colby says, Yeah. What did you think I was doing that whole time? You said it was over an hour, right?
Sam says, Yeah! 66 minutes, to be exact. I even joked that it might as well have been 666 minutes. And now I find out you can talk to her and hear her voice so it totally might as well have been.
They go back to exploring the museum. They stop talking about Peggy. But later, they start talking about where they should sleep. Sam asks Colby if he wants to sleep with Peggy.
Colby says, Um, well, maybe, yeah. If she’s okay with it. I mean, I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine with it but yeah the proper thing to do is to ask her first obviously.
Colby does wind up sleeping with Peggy. Literally.
Sam goes off to sleep somewhere else. When he comes back in the morning, he finds Colby on the floor, surrounded by dolls. Every doll in the room has been moved from its original spot and is surrounding Colby. He looks like he’s in a nest. Made of dolls.
The door to Peggy’s case is open.
The case is empty.
Peggy is gone.
She is on the floor. With Colby. Cradled in his arms. He is spooning her, his arm around her, sleeping soundly in a nest of dolls, with he and Peggy at its center. At its heart.
Sam just stands there, barely even remembering to keep the camera pointed at Colby.
Sam is chattering, What do I do? What do I do? Oh my God. What the fuck is going on? What do I do? He’s sleeping in a nest of dolls. With Peggy. Oh my God, he took her out of the case, she’s out of the case, he’s gonna be cursed for sure. Post Malone didn’t do half as much as this and look what happened to him.
Sam slowly crouches down. Colby?
Nothing.
Sam tries again, louder. Colby?
Again, still nothing.
Sam reaches out to tap Colby on the shoulder, to nudge him awake. He pauses. Sam says, I don’t really wanna touch him for some reason. Col–
Colby suddenly looks up, his teeth bared, face wrinkled and contorted in a savage, angry grimace. He hisses at Sam and tries to grab him.
Sam recoils. He loses his balance, falling backwards, and is surrounded by dozens of frightening, terrifying dolls, who are crawling all over him, trying to shut his eyes with their tiny fingers.
Colby stops hissing and goes, Just kidding. Good morning, bro!
Sam looks up and sees the smiling face of his old friend. He looks down. He does not have dolls crawling all over him. The dolls are all on the floor, where they were.
Sam and Colby get up and quickly discuss the night and if they slept. Sam says, Dude, why the fuck did you take her out of the case?
Colby says, We decided to all have like a slumber party. So we weren’t gonna make Peggy be the only one who didn’t get to come to the slumber party. Because she was locked in a box. That’s not just insulting, that’s inhumane. Imagine me locking you in a box. How would you like it?
Sam says, I don’t think I would. Unless we were doing it to get some really good content. Like if we went to some really haunted place with a famous casket and we did rock paper scissors to see who was going to lie down in it and stay in there for maybe 1 hour and I lost. And you closed the lid and put me in there.
Colby says, We should totally do that. I don’t know where, but we should. Except, let’s up the ante. Let’s make it 3 hours. If this video can get 1 million Likes, we’ll find a famous casket in a really haunted place and we’ll do rock paper scissors and whoever loses gets locked in by the other. For 3 hours.
Sam says, For 3 hours?
Colby says, For 3 hours.
Sam says, That’s a long time.
Colby says, That’s the point. One hour is easy. It’s like you’re in there and it’s dark and it’s scary, sure. But in your mind you know it’s only an hour. You can close your eyes and take some deep breaths and piss away 30 to 40 minutes without even realizing it. But 3 hours is a pretty long time. It might start to get uncomfortable in there physically because you can’t move around very much. It might start to get claustrophobic. It might start to feel like you’re running out of air, like you literally can’t breathe. Because you literally can’t.
Sam says, We should totally do that. But why did you take Peggy out of her case? Zak is gonna be pissed.
Colby says, Zak isn’t going to care because his museum is going to get tons of new business after this. Besides, Peggy and I wanted to be together.
Et cetera et cetera.
Colby later goes back and steals Peggy and takes her back to his place and proceeds to have a complete relationship with her. Full conversations. They share their first kiss. Things eventually get heated. They take off their clothes and make love.
Pretty soon, Colby and Peggy are having sex constantly. Just like in every new and exciting relationship.
Sam can’t even get him on his phone.
Eventually Sam goes to see Colby and sits and watches Colby have complete conversations with Peggy.
Colby and Peggy eventually run away together and Peggy asks Colby if he wants to see her grave. He says yes. They go to…
The Conjuring House.
And Colby totally freaks out, thinking she’s tricking him.
Next thing you know, he’s down in the basement with her.
Alone.
In a trance.
Staring into her eyes.
Doing it. On the table.
In the dark. With only the light from his camera.
While the spirit box and REM POD go berserk, playing scary jewelry box music and beeping wildly. While a shadowy demon entity roars and growls and lashes at a small group of soldiers, tearing open their flesh with long black talons on the ends of its clawed hands. The soldiers scream and writhe in pain, trying desperately to run from the beast. But there’s nowhere to go.
All the while, Colby is flat on his back on the long wooden table, pants around his knees, hands locked firmly to Peggy’s waste as she straddles him. He thrusts up inside her violently, grunting like an animal, teeth bared and clenched, brow furrowed and wide eyes two green orbs glowing in the darkness.
Do you like this? Do you want me to keep going? If so, I’ll need a bit of time to see what comes next. Because I have no idea. I won’t know until I ask.
Please do let me know.
Piece!
Also, totally different subject, I was running the other day and it occurred to me that watching or reading or listening to the fear porn news is probably worse for you mentally and spiritually than actual porn.
Too much porn is not good. Everyone knows that.
But at least it doesn’t make you suicidally depressed because it seems that the world is fucked and can never be unfucked so why go on living.
Also, consider this: Aliens and UFOs operate on Earth with impunity. That means that they can do whatever they want. Go wherever they want. Fuck with whomever they want. And there's not a damn thing that we can do about it.
Have you heard about The World's Biggest Flying Orgy?
You know how skydivers do those record-breaking group skydives where 300 people all skydive together at the same time and hold hands and make a giant circle?
This is like that. Except it’s 150 couples. And they’re doing it. In freefall.
I’m not sure how you certify that. Honor system?
Could you even get it up? I don’t know if I could.
Have you guys seen Hellier? You should. Celebrate activity.
Synchronicity is the Universe’s way of telling you that you’re on the right path.
Have you guys heard that song Hotblooded Woman in the Kamikaze Factory?
The kamikaze factory is your balls. Your testicles. Where the sperm are made. The sperm are, ultimately, kamikaze. Kamikaze is a beautiful and dangerous-sounding word from Japan. It means divine wind. Which makes it sound like it’s coming from someplace else. But in this instance, it’s all those little guys and gals being born in the nuts, making their way up to the epididymis for their 90-day bootcamp, and then it’s out the chute they go. Most likely into a tissue. Or a sock. Or maybe an orifice. Let’s at least hope it’s an orifice. Has anyone done the math on the number of dead sperm the world has seen? Multiply the number of people with testicles throughout history by the average number of ejaculations had on average and then multiply that by the average number of sperms per load. SPL. Sperms Per Load.
Speaking of sperms per load, did you guys notice when miles per gallon became MPG? That was when people got too stupid to understand miles per gallon. So the carmakers and the advertising agencies they hired to make their commercials changed it. They shortened it. From 3 words to 3 letters. Because of MP3. Pitiful. Absolutely Pitiful.
Point being — AHHHHHHH!!! — that the song is about a woman playing with her lover’s balls. Like really getting up in there and sucking on them and licking them while she’s working his unit really, really well with her hand.
Where’s her other hand?
Ever seen Alien Nation? James Caan and Mandy Patinkin. If this is my thermometer, where is my pen?
So friggin good.
You guys ever been fisted?
I haven’t.
But I remember when 50 Shades came out and all these proper English women were throwing around the phrase: a little light anal fisting.
That seems too crazy for me. Probably at least somewhat painful and with an exceedingly high degree of possibility of injury. Or of things stretching out and then never going back to the way they were. Is it possible to put things that are too big up your butt and for your butt to then be unable to stay shut? To keep certain things in there until the proper time?
It seems like a recipe for disaster.
And that’s the name of the movie: Recipe for Disaster. And it’s about this cool cat in the 1970s who is a vigilante crime fighter. He really knows how to clean up the neighborhood. But he also has a serious anal fetish which he indulges in whenever he’s not out cleaning up the neighborhood and plugging people with his Danny Glover Dirty Harry Smith and Wesson .44 Magnum revolver.
Have you guys ever shot a Dirty Harry-style .44 Magnum? I have. It’s not even that fun. It’s so powerful that it’s difficult to hold on to it when it goes off. The butt is too small and made of wood so it gets slippery in your hand as you’re nervously shooting this fuckin thing. And it’s loud as fuck. And when you shoot it at the shooting range, other people put down their guns and come over and stand behind you and watch you shoot it. It’s so loud.
But our hero, Clive, often has perk-up moments when he has to pucker up Buttercup.
For anyone who doesn’t know, back on Earth, humans, well, some humans, not all of them, only a few of them, like to put stuff up their butt, including another human’s entire hand. It’s called fisting. I’m not sure why. Unless it has something to do with the Kalahari Bushmen and their trick to find water with the help of a friendly neighborhood baboon and a bit of salt. They drill a hole in a giant termite mound and put a piece of salt in the hole. Making sure a baboon is watching. They toss the baboon a bit of salt to whet its appetite. The baboon happily devours the salt. They retreat from the mound. The baboon goes over and reaches into the hole to get more salt. But with the lump of salt in its little monkey fist, it can’t remove its fist from the hole. So it gets scared and starts to go crazy. It also becomes more and more thirsty all the while. Until it is in such a frenzy that by chance it releases the salt in its hand and flees, seeking water. The bushman runs after it, quickly. Because a thirsty baboon is a fast baboon. The baboon leads the bushman to a nearby spring, where he is able to enjoy plenty of fresh water.
Would you like to have a pet monkey? Like Ross had. I would. They’re so smart, though, that they get into everything. And they’re probably not smart enough to listen to you telling them not to do that. It would haff to be a small monkey, though. Not a chimpanzee. Those things can rip your face off. There are 911 recordings of it happening. Don’t google it.
The most important aspect of synchronicity is recognizing the phenomenon as something important. Most people are unaware. Or if they are aware, they play it off as chance, coincidence, and unimportant. When it’s not. It’s very important. It’s recognizing that it’s relevant. Because it’s you being recognized by the Universe. It’s the Universe saying hi. To you. Specifically to you. And it’s because you’ve been doing the work, putting in the effort, doing what you’re supposed to be doing when where and how you’re supposed to be doing it. Do the work. Follow the Path. Don’t worry about what you’re doing. Focus on the doing. Celebrate activity. Put in the effort. And you will be shown that what you are doing is important.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our show.
Thank you so much. You’ve been very kind.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Goodnight.
And do remember to tip your waitress.
Next episode coming Saturday!