Alien Night Club - Show 44?
Alien Night Club <the transcripts>
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Hello hello hello and welcome, once again, to the Alien Night Club. Welcome one and all from infinity and beyond. If there is such a thing. Because infinity is by definition infinite. There can therefore be nothing beyond it.
Ah….
But what if there is?
There isn’t.
But what if there is?
There isn’t.
But what if there is?
There isn’t.
Perhaps there is. Perhaps there are degrees of infinity. Like there are degrees of hardness of steel. Or degrees of blackness of black.
Welcome to the show. Show Forty-four. The big four four. I am your host, nonadjectival as always, Captain Blank. And this is the glorious Alien Night Club. It’s sexy and it knows it.
Lamborghini, how thick is the showerglass?
We’re gonna come back to that one.
Also, how pissed are you when you’re in the shower and you have time to be in the shower because there is nowhere else you need to urgently be at the moment, perhaps for the next 15 to 20 but hopefully 90 or a million minutes, and you can therefore ENJOY your shower. And you’re feeling a little bit sexually angry because you’re not getting it the way you fucking want and so you decide to rub one out. Fuckin hard. Like you get in the shower and let’s not forget about the ignored people, remind me to come back to that if I don’t.
Anyway, you’re in there enjoying the hot water and you begin to masturbate pretty much immediately. You fuckin need it. And you are going to get it. And you’re going to try not to rush. You’re going to build up to it. Perhaps in 2 or 3 sessions as you intertwine banging the fuck out of yourself and actually bathing. Because you do also need to bathe. You didn’t shower yesterday and you’re starting to be able to tell. You keep catching whiffs of your armpits. And they’re not bad. They don’t stink. But they smell. You can totally smell them. It’s a heady, musky smell. It’s the smell of Headymusk.
And to whomever is in the best parfumerie dans tout la fuckin mode, let’s partner up. And we’ll do a sweetsexy tie with the Lamborghini Sex Shower. Maybe we’ll leave out the word Sex. Or maybe we’ll leave it in. So sayeth Mathew Perry. I’m the talent, always keep the camera on me, man. Toufuckingche.
One fragrance will be called Headymusk and if Elon you want to be in the video doing some James Bond On Mars shit whilst wearing the Dior Lamborghini Headymusk, the Official Fragrance of Mars, that would be kickfuckingass.
Kickfuckingass is another scent.
So we now have 3. I think that’s a good number for the launch.
And hopefully you give a fuck what I think. Otherwise, we’re not fuckin doing this. I get to help create the final product iteration that we deem fit for market.
Where was I?
Who the fuck knows.
We have 3 fragrances:
Headymusk — the Official Fragrance of Mars
Sweetsexy — We Still Need a Tagline for This One; Maybe I Smell Sex & Candy
Kickfuckingass — For When You Need to Get Shit Done
I think it would be cool if Marcy Playground was involved with marketing Sweetsexy.
And if we can also have Sex and Candy be the official theme song to the Eye Candy adaptation, that would be awesome. I think it would work. It would certainly work on me. If I saw the trailer to Eye Candy, I would just about shit myself. Pretend I didn’t write it and don’t know the story at all. The trailer comes on, maybe online or wherever, given that I no longer watch TV and haven’t for a decade — or more — I would be rapt. And when it was over, I would think to myself, Holy fuck, I’m going to see that. Finally something that looks fuckin awesome. I’m sorry, but Way of Water was fuckin stupid. The script was shit. Everything else was fucking primo. Clearly.
But the script! Jesus. The moment I saw the very first teaser when he goes, If there’s one thing I know, this family is our fortress, all whispery, I was like, Uh, I dunno about that. And I was right. I was worried it was going to be dumb and it kinda fuckin was. I don’t know if it’s generational or if it was a direct marketing choice. A poor one. Because the movie wasn’t that good. Yes, everyone went to see it. But the next one is going to tank.
Unless….
It’s really fuckin good.
And that depends upon and starts with the writing. The best effects ever exhibited on Earth are not enough.
Audiences played along on the sequel.
We all went to see it.
But not one single person recommended it to me. It never came across my desk outside of an ad which was sponsored by the filmmakers and was directly targeted at me. Because it was directly targeted at each of us.
So let’s do an experiment. Let’s make Eye Candy and then market the fuck out of it using ALLLLL the best digital marketing solutions.
Who is the best at digital marketing?
Here’s your task: make sure every device on Earth is served the teaser for Eye Candy.
Every…single…one.
Can you do that?
How do you make that happen?
How do WE make that happen?
So that we can shatter all box office records.
Let’s do that. That would be fuckin kickass. We can all wear the new fragrance kickfuckingass while working on this project. It will be the official smell of the Eye Candy production.
A LOT of people are going to smell it and be around it.
It must therefore not cause any allergic reactions.
Because if one person sprays a tiny bit of it on themselves at home, drives to the lot, parks, walks in, goes to either their office or to wherever the best coffee is or directly to the soundstage, and within 30 seconds pretty much everyone in the building is coughing and sneezing and shit is most fucking definitely not getting done, that is in direct contrast to our marketing message. No ass is being kicked.
Ohmygawd u r totes ensighting vylenss.
No. It’s just an expression. Even if it does have an historical link to White men literally kicking Black men in the ass.
Black men — some Black men — in decades past would allow a White man to pay to kick him in the ass a few times.
I’m not sure who typically begins that discussion. The White guy or the Black guy.
Richard Wright wrote about it. A long time ago. One of the best writers ever.
Which is WHY his last name is WRIGHT.
It rhymes with WRITE.
And that’s what he did.
I think it was in Black Boy. He has a scene where a White guy and a Black guy are in an elevator. In 1945. Right at the end of 2nd, the motherfucking 2nd, world war. We today can’t even imagine the fear and suffering experienced by the people alive then.
I know everyone today doesn’t want to fight. They’re just like, No! No war! None. Ever. Mmm.
And they’re often overlydramatic and prissy about it.
And it’s clear they have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about.
They’re at least trying and they want peace, which is awesome, and so do we, so do I. But there are times when it’s just not possible.
You HAFF to fight.
You HAFF to.
You fucking HAFF to.
Because if you don’t, the entire world changes for the fucking worse and you will either be imprisoned or indentured or outright murdered and killed.
Imagine if China and Russia come out with some new weapon they’ve developed in secret. And it’s a fucking doozie.
It’s game over if they get that fucking thing operational.
And they’re actually fucking open about it. Because they know we’re fucked. They have us. There’s no way we can stop them unless we nuke them and if we nuke them, we also die.
Conventional warfare it is!
And the whole world unites and sends in hundreds of millions of soldiers to stop the grand weapon from being launched. From Siberia. Underground. In an isolated, self-sustaining bunker so deep even nukes CAN’T get it. And when the weapon is ready, they will press the button. It’s actually an EMP weapon that is going to go live and every country in the world except Russia, China, and her allies, of which there are surprisingly many — which is FUCKED UP, you guys — is surrounded by underground or undersea EMP devices. Literally millions of them. Too many to ever be found and deactivated. And when Putin says a name, that state or entity is hit with an EMP that destroys ALL of its infrastructure, thereby making it 99% dependent on its enemies for survival.
And that is the plot of EMP.
That’s the backstory.
It’s a few years from now, everything’s fucked.
It’s not Bladerunner fucked.
Yet.
But it definitely ain’t the 80s.
And then all the subjugated people are like, Fuck you the 80s! Assholes!
And they have a point. A big one.
So, once Putin hits Florida with an EMP and deactivates ALL the electricity and MOST of the military vehicles there, and the entire world sees it happen because it happens early in the morning. Putin makes a live announcement.
And he speaks in English.
He basically says, This is an historic day.
He actually says an historic.
Which says a lot, right off the bat.
Like, Oh, fuck, maybe he’s not as dumb as we were led to believe he is.
And he continues, today is the first day of a new era. An era in which the United States of America is no longer in control of the world and subjugating all of us. Telling us what we can and cannot do. Placing economic sanctions on us. Fuck you. Why don’t you mind your own fucking business. Let the rest of us grind out a little something for ourselves. Maybe we’d like to have a chance to flourish, too. To have a GDP worth a damn. To have decent houses with a garage to park our cars in. And which we will instead convert to a kick-ass home gym. Because where we live is a nice place and there’s almost no crime so we can confidently park our cars in our driveway, knowing they will not be stolen, vandalized, or broken into during the night. And we therefore sleep very well. And in the morning, the first thing we do is go work out. And it’s a really great way to start the day. We’d like that, too. But the fucking Americans insist on playing their bullshit money games so none of us has the money to be able to build a country that has a decent fucking road network, let alone trillions of suburban minicastles with top-flight home gyms in the garage. Therefore, we have spent the past 20 years planting EMP bombs all over the world. Every city in America is infested with these EMP bombs.
And then he holds up his phone and it has an app on it.
And he says, And we built an app that is available in all the usual places. It’s available now. Go ahead and download it. It shows an overlay of our version of Google Maps. It doesn’t show where the bombs are. Not that it would matter. It shows every city in the world. We’re green. You guys are red. If you’re not green, you’re red. And if you’re red, you’re not green. And we’re green. So you’re not with us. Unless you want to be. Then you can join us. But we have some demands. Certain things haff to happen or else we will begin detonating EMP bombs and sending random American cities into the late 1800s before there was electricity in our houses. And we can also do entire states. And we can do entire countries. And we will gladly demonstrate. We will therefore destroy a city we don’t give a shit about: Fargo.
And then he looks at his phone, pinches and zooms down onto Fargo, and taps the screen one time.
He goes, It’s done. Fargo just got fried. Fargo no longer has electricity. Nothing electric will work. Everything will need to be rebuilt. Which we will gladly allow as long as you guys meet our demands. You’re not going to like them. And you’re not going to want to submit to our rule. But you should. Because that is preferable to submitting to our wrath. If you submit now, we won’t EMP you at all. Everything will stay on. Your lights and heating and TV and laptop and phone charger and refrigerator and water heater and washer and dryer and maybe even car charger will be just fine. They will continue to work like they have been. And if something does conk out on you, it truly has nothing to do with us. It probably just broke. Or the U.S. government just attacked you with an EMP of their own and are going to blame it on us in order to justify killing us as quickly as possible. Sorry, but that’s not going to work. We’ve already thought of that and we’ve built countermeasures. We have back doors in our back doors and you will never find or be able to create a workaround. If, however, you resist, we will EMP you. But if you’re cool, we won’t kill you. But if you’re a bunch of dicks, we will kill you. We will take our time doing it, too. We will establish air superiority over your entire country. And we will be able to pick you off at will. Imagine if we EMP’d Fargo. Turned it off. Waited 24 hours. If I came on the air like I am now and said, Okay, people of Fargo, I am speaking directly to you now. What do you want to do? You can either secede from the USA and join the Soviet Union and immediately begin to live under our laws and social systems and processes…
Or…
You can say a very American Fuck You, Commie! and then watch your lights and traffic lights and cars and trucks and buses and trains and airplanes and appliances and water heaters and coffee makers and gym air conditioners and Whole Foods lights and refrigerator cases and Walmart’s entire big white girder ceiling that truly is a feat of engineering.
All that goes away.
Unless you join us.
Here’s what you’re going to do. Everyone in Fargo put on either a red or green shirt. And then go outside today at noon. The news stations and everyone with a phone will livestream it. We’ll all see it. You guys can take a look around at your friends and family and neighbors and colleagues and fellow religion observers and fellow hedonists and bikers and stoners and yoga practitioners and boaters and skateboarders and hair salon lovers and goers….
All of you.
Will see.
What the people around you.
Are wearing.
It will be shocking.
So, that’s it from me for now. Talk amongst yourselves and go to your closet or wherever you keep your clothes and find something red and something green and then try to chill until noon. And at noon, I’ll come back on, you’ll all go outside, and we’ll all see what you want to do. And at that moment, you’ll either be Americans living in 1900 or you’ll be our beloved comrades.
If, at noon, you are all overwhelmingly red and are therefore choosing to stay American and get EMP’d, we will EMP you.
And you’ll be fucked.
And based on what happens after that, we’ll decide who else gets pulsed. If anyone launches anything, you get pulsed. And believe me when I say the cruise missiles will also be affected by the pulse. They will also stop working. So let us all pray that the warheads stay intact and don’t explode upon impact after falling back to Earth. We will pulse them so fast that they will fall back to wherever they were launched from. So if they’re launched from land, they’ll land on land. If they’re launched from a submarine somewhere out in the ocean, they will land on top of the submarine. So I hope you guys are deep enough or you can shoot on the run. Can U.S. submarines shoot on the run? Or do they haff to come to a full stop, full stop, aye, before they can fire their intercontinental ballistic missiles? They probably won’t like me bringing this up. Also, if you are on or in charge of one of those subs and your orders are to launch everything you’ve got at all the prearranged coordinates, please rethink that. You guys don’t haff to do that. You can go home and the only real difference is that you will see more Russians in your town soon, but don’t worry because we are very nice people, actually, and your taxes will go up. But don’t worry, you’re going to finally have free day care, free health care, free college, and free health care. Other than that, if you guys are cool, we’ll totally leave you alone. We can even be friends if you want to be. You can come visit Russia or wherever you want to visit in our empire. You haff to pay for it, of course. There’s not going to be free air fare. At least, not at first. Eventually we will get there. Once everyone sees that the system is a good one, it’ll be fine. And we’re not going to come to your house and steal your food and your car and your daughter or wife. And your dog. Like it was in the past when the state came to collect that which you had worked for but were now having taken away from you, even though it means you’re going to starve to death. Which is probably the worst way to die. Or a very bad one, at least.
The point is, we can avoid all of that. Just go outside wearing green and you’ll be a member of the Soviet Union. And if you guys want time to move, we can do that. If certain cities go ALL green, we’ll spare you. Your red neighbors probably won’t. But we can EMP them if you want us to. Just build a really good wall so they can’t just come driving in in their monster trucks with .50 caliber rifles mounted on the top and 2 gunners firing constantly. They’ll kill you for sure.
Oh, and by the way, we’re in charge now. In case that wasn’t already clear.
But imagine the world got wind of this before the morning when Putin went on the air. They had some time to formulate a preemptive strike. Nukes are ruled out because we still want to be able to breathe the air when this is over. Our hearts are so big that rather than simply win, we choose to fight conventionally which means many millions and millions more people will need to die voluntarily in hardcore combat so that the future might be okay one day. Even if we’re long gone. And regardless of how the war ended and who won, we at least spared the planet from our petty squabble. It may be the only planet with life on it. So it ought to be left alone to continue to harbor life. Even if that means it goes back to being plants and animals but no people. No humans. Unless they can somehow evolve again but I think that’s pretty unlikely.
The point is that the world finds out what Putin is planning to do. Xi and Kim are in on it, too. Deeply and thoroughly.
A full-blown, global, widescale effort begins. Millions of people with weapons descend on these countries in order to take them over and stop Putin & Company from EMPing most of the world if he fails to blackmail them into joining the Soviet Union. China will actually get the western half of the country. And North Korea gets New York, California, Florida, and Washington D.C., because this whole thing was their idea back in the 70s after watching what the Americans did in Vietnam.
The question is therefore this: Would you join the fight and enlist in a service and go off to boot camp for 2 weeks before being deployed?
The actual kinetic war would begin almost immediately. Within hours, targets would already be selected and at a certain time, every non-nuclear piece of ballistic artillery and all bombs would be on their way to their target. And it would be nuts.
And if there are laser weapons in space that could hit ground targets, they would immediately begin doing so. Imagine a laser hits the Kremlin and immediately melts a hole in it and sets it on fire.
Putin isn’t there, of course. He knows better than that.
But that would go on as the biggest, most rapid deployment in history. Every commercial aircraft would be commandeered and loaded with soldiers and they would land in countries surrounding Russia and China and North Korea and whomever else is aligned with them. And they would take up forward positions based on the amount of resistance already positioned in that area. The Navy would run out of ordnance within a few days. Granted, a lot of damage would be done already by that point. But the infantry would still haff to go in and quell enemy combatants. Anyone who didn’t want to die would haff to arm themselves and wear something American, red, white, and blue, and make it obvious they were friendly and then help the Americans once they arrived. Otherwise, they would be assumed to be hostile and in favor of the Americans being forced to join the USSR or be EMP’d.
If it was a choice between vicious psychopaths taking over the planet or the world going on to be almost entirely free, which side would you choose?
It’ll be one hell of a movie.
3%. Please.
Anyway, we were talking about Richard Wright and Black Boy. His memoir. In which a Black man who works in a building as the elevator operator takes money from White men in order to let the White man literally kick him in the butt a few times. Really, really hard. Because there was still a lot of really hardcore, right out in the open racism back then. Signs on public buildings saying Whites Only or No Coloreds.
What the fuck.
Jesus.
Anyway, kicking butt does have that dreadful and immoral historical connection. But we can still use it because we don’t mean it that way. It means to get stuff done. To handle and complete our responsibilities. To be a good lover or spouse or father or mother or sibling or boss or employee or coworker or friend. And to always walk and work with integrity. Be diligent, work when you’re supposed to, don’t fuck around too much although a little is fine. A certain amount of fucking around should be mandatory, actually. Because it’s better that way. When things are friendly and loose and it’s upbeat and it’s a fun place to be, that’s the magic combination. And that’s what all these companies playing catch-up with Tesla don’t understand. Tesla has that. They don’t. And they can never get it. Unless they hire enough Tesla employees for a lot more money. But that’s only so sustainable.
To hearken back, we want butt to be figuratively kicked during the production of Eye Candy. We do not want everyone to smell the fragrance and begin coughing and sneezing and having allergic reactions. Because then all work stops.
And we want to see the movie.
Pratt or Reynolds, though?
I don’t know.
Time will tell.
The point is, you’re in the shower…
Getting ready to come your brains out…
And the hot water runs out.
Before you can finish.
You barely finish washing the soap off of your body.
You sure as hell do not have enough hot water to be able to enjoy standing there enjoying it while also enjoying sexual stimulation given to you by yourself. In order to elicit a mighty orgasm.
There are people on Earth who have never had a hot shower. They bathe in a natural body of water. Or they heat water over a fire and warm it up enough to sort of have a bath. And not every day.
Which brings us back to the Lamborghini shower and showerglass. Lamborghini, how thick is the glass in the shower going to be? It has to be thick enough to be strong and virtually unbreakable. People need to be able to fuck hard and fast up against it and it
Will
Not
Break.
Period.
Nor can it come loose in any way.
People need to be able to put both feet up on the glass with the back up against the wall and the glass won’t break. They need to be able to have sex in that position. Possibly with another person straddling them. Which means more weight. And more force on the glass. It cannot break. Ever.
Ever.
Not a single person can ever be injured by a Lamborghini shower other than due to their own error. If they trip or slip or pass out or whatever, that’s obviously their fault. If you’re renting an apartment and you go to step into the shower and you for some odd reason lose your balance and you fall and get pretty badly hurt and you haff to go to the hospital and you’re in there for about 2 weeks, you are not going to be able to successfully sue the company that manufactured that bathtub shower combo. You tripped. It’s your fault. We all know to be careful in the bathroom. Stuff is wet, we’re often sleepy. Accidents happen. We don’t sue the company.
Just like we won’t sue Lamborghini for the kick-ass shower.
Nor will we sue Dior if their perfume makes us sneeze. We simply won’t wear it.
But I definitely want to help formulate and test the fragrances. They haff to make me horny. They haff to make me want to bone. At least one of them does. Sweetsexy does. Let’s make that the best-smelling fragrance ever made. Like almost everyone smells it and goes, Wow. That smells good. I like that. I like that a lot.
And then the tester person will say, Does it make you want to have sex? Does it make you horny?
And they’ll go, Yes, it does! It totally does.
And they’ll have a huge smile on their face because they are so surprised that smelling a perfume can make them instantly horny like that.
Now, Sexymusk, the Official Fragrance of Mars, should also elicit that reaction. But in a more masculine way. It should trigger you to want to have sex from a loving, dominant way. Rather than from a submissive, playful, freaky do me now sort of way as is elicited by Sweetsexy.
And kickfuckingass won’t make you horny. It will make you determined.
What happens if we mix them together?
Horny…
And determined.
You get a 4th fragrance called Teenager.
Do astronauts wear cologne? Perfume? If it’s $5.50 to send a gram into space. And a little perfume sample envelope that you tear open is 10 grams, that means it costs $55 to take that fragrance to space.
Has anyone ever done it?
Spaceships and offworld colonies will get smelly at times. Having a bit of perfume or cologne would be nice. Provided it smells good and isn’t overused. It’ll certainly smell better than farts. Astronauts fart like crazy. Having some sex-inducing cologne and perfume will help ensure the continuation of the species.
Elon, Mars Base is going to haff to have next-level maternity and postnatal care.
Self sustaining means self sustaining.
That means people on Mars fuck, get pregnant, deliver, raise the kid, and it grows up and meets someone, fucks, gets pregnant, and delivers. And that happens a lot. A lot a lot.
We will need special statisticians and mathematicians and geneticists to figure out who is going to be fucking whom. Unless couples go up there and simply begin their family on Mars.
Start your family now…on Mars.
Mars Base is actively seeking healthy young couples to relocate to Mars. You will be employed by Mars Base, Incorporated. You will receive a handsome salary from your first day of training onward. You will learn not only how to be an astronaut in order to travel to Mars, you will also be trained in how to live once you arrive. You and your significant other will be integral pieces in what may be the most complex puzzle ever assembled: A brand new human civilization on Mars. And now, the race is on! There needs to be more than 1 million people living and working on Mars in order for the colony to be self sustaining. Having a self sustaining colony on Mars means that if anything bad should ever happen to Earth, the precious light of consciousness will continue. It will live on on Mars. So even if human beings solve their problems and war and famine become a thing of the past and everyone on Earth are friends living peacefully together, cooperating and helping one another to succeed, and the planet is clean and the air and water are clean and everything is almost perfect, a huge meteor could still come from outer space and hit the Earth, destroying it. And all of us right along with it. That’s why you need to get to Mars as soon as you possibly can. If you’re over the age of 18, apply today. People not currently in a relationship are of course needed on Mars, too. Mars Base must be a normal, functioning society where everyone enjoys the freedom of living however they’d like to, whether this means having a family or not. Initially, Mars Base will require children to be born as quickly as possible, so married couples ready to have children will be prioritized. But single people with no current plans to have children are of course completely welcome, because the jobs we have here on Earth will also be needed on Mars. And who knows? Maybe you’ll even meet your significant other on Mars. You’ll meet, fall in love, and have children of your own on Mars. Join the adventure! Apply today!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our show.
Thank you for coming.
Perhaps in your timeline, Mars already has ten million people on it. I hope so.
Goodnight!
Remember to tip your waitress!
Next episode coming Saturday!