EYE CANDY - Chapter 6: Mud with Hell, and the Salton Sea
Love between two robots would be unprecedented.
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Candy stood in the bathroom, drying herself with a fluffy white towel.
The doorbell chimed.
She scurried nude to the front door and activated her side of the vidcom. The screen showed a man standing with his back to the door. “Who is it?”
The man turned. “It’s Danny.” He was holding something in each hand.
“What’re you doing here?”
“I’m here for our date. Like we arranged last night.”
“It’s not eight o’clock yet.”
“I know. I came over early. I was hoping to find you naked.”
Candy surveyed her unclothed body.
“Can you open the door?” Danny asked.
“One second.” She moved swiftly to the bathroom and donned her white silk robe. She opened the door to find Danny standing before her, holding a tray with two cups of coffee in one hand and a white paper bag in the other.
Danny looked Candy up and down. Her robe clung tightly to her body and she was clearly wearing nothing underneath. “You were naked, weren’t you?”
Candy moved aside, allowing him to enter. “As a matter of fact, I was. Good morning.” Candy kissed Danny’s cheek.
“It certainly is.” Danny surveyed Candy up and down once more. He smiled, then proceeded to the kitchen.
“What do you have there?”
“Breakfast.” Danny placed the items on the counter. “Two cups of coffee and some high-protein breakfast burritos. And some fruit salad with extra apples. Apples are supposed to help combat nausea while we’re in orbit. Hopefully we won’t need them. But we’ll eat them anyway. Just in case.”
Candy removed one of the cups of coffee from the tray and curled her hands around it, savoring the warmth emanating from the stay-hot cup. She took a sip, then sighed contentedly. “That is an exquisite coffee.”
“It’s Turkish coffee with cardamom. I was introduced to it when I was in Israel last year. You wouldn’t believe the advances they’ve made in robotics over there. I got the food and coffee at Aroma on Sunset.”
“I love that place. But I’ve never had coffee like this before.”
“It’s not on the menu. You have to ask for it. Tell ’em you want mud with hell. They’ll know what you want.”
“Mud with hell? If it weren’t so tasty I don’t think I’d want to drink something called mud with hell.”
“It’s mud coffee because the beans are ground into powder which sinks to the bottom of your cup. The hell is a spice called cardamom. In Israel they call it hell.”
“It’s fantastic.”
“You’re not supposed to drink the coffee grounds, but I do. It gives you an extra kick of caffeine.” Danny swirled his tall stay-hot cup and took a sip.
Candy imitated Danny’s motion with her own cup, and then took a sip. “You’re right. I like that. I enjoy a good energy boost. Especially before a night of hot sex in zero-G.” She gazed at Danny over the rim of her coffee cup.
“My kind of girl. But we need to get our positrons in gear because I have a shuttle waiting for us. And while the shuttle will wait, the orbiter won’t. So we should eat on the way. For as good as that robe would look in zero-G, you had probably put on some actual clothes.”
“I’ll be right back.” Candy left the kitchen and proceeded to her bedroom. She carried her coffee with her.
Danny strolled through Candy’s living room, surveying her decorations and her library. The apartment managed to be cool and spacious, yet it felt warm and cozy. One wall contained a large wood-burning fireplace. Either the building was very old and the fireplace had been grandfathered into the current and utterly restrictive building codes, or Candy knew a good contractor and had paid him well enough for him to keep his mouth shut.
Above the fireplace hung a framed print of a newspaper article featuring a big, bold headline: ROBOT ‘SKELETON’ FOUND ON MARS. Danny remembered that day well. Everybody remembered the Lefebre-Yishida expedition. But more than a decade on, no one had deduced how the ‘skeleton’ had come to be on the red planet.
Candy’s bookshelf held myriad volumes which caught Danny’s eye: Death by Robot - Beauty, Ethics, & Religion; Frankenstein; Robots: Soulless Monster Machines; Robopocalypse; Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?; Roborotica. And, sure enough, the first book on the top shelf where it was visible, The Rock of God by Daniel Olivaw.
Danny placed his stay-hot cup on the shelf and withdrew The Rock of God. He opened it and thumbed through it. Passage after passage and page after page had been highlighted, in three different colors. Whole paragraphs had been highlighted and then underlined. Danny could scarcely find a page which didn’t contain Candy’s hand-written notes in the margins, in the gutters, in between paragraphs, and generally anyplace with white space capable of containing notes. Chapter three was particularly marked up. He was utterly baffled, and deeply flattered, to discover the depth to which Candy had interacted with the text. He often wondered if the book had been read by anyone outside the dissertation committee, the editor and his associates at the publishing house, and a few academics bent on refuting every word he’d written. It seemed he had his answer.
~
Thirty minutes later, Danny turned into the parking facility for the Hollywood shuttle port. The robotic platform took his car and stored it underground with the others, and Danny and Candy made their way to the elevator, where Howard stood waiting for them.
Danny said, “Howard, I’d like you to meet Candy. Candy, this is Howard.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Howard,” said Candy.
“The pleasure is most assuredly mine, Miss. Master Floyd had no need of my services today, so Master Danny has requested that I fly you to the Space Port.”
“Who’s Floyd?” Candy asked.
“My roommate,” Danny replied as they boarded the elevator. “Actually, he’s a tenant. He rents a room from me. But he’s become a really good friend, too.”
“And Howard belongs to him?”
“Right.”
“So you don’t have a robot of your own?”
“No. I had one but some punks disordered it. Little bastards. It’s a good thing I wasn’t there when it happened because I would’ve twisted their heads off. I’m still arguing with the insurance company over the final dollar amount for a replacement. But in the meantime, Howard takes care of things around the house and helps me with special errands.”
They reached the departure area and exited the elevator. Half a dozen shuttles sat on the pad, with one of them lifting off and flying quickly away.
“Somebody’s in a hurry,” Danny joked, watching the shuttle depart.
Howard turned to Candy. “I am a fully qualified and licensed pilot, Miss Candy, so I do hope you have no fear of a robot doing the flying.”
“None at all, Howard,” said Candy, “but thank you for your consideration of my feelings.”
“Certainly.” Howard led them to a nearby shuttle. It was only a two-passenger model, but was modern and new. Danny opened the door and he and Candy climbed into the passenger cabin.
“This is a nice shuttle,” said Candy. “Is it yours?”
“I have fractional ownership in it. Which means I share the cost with three other owners. We share the insurance premiums, too, which is even better.”
Danny leaned forward and looked down into the cockpit, where Howard had situated himself. The shuttle’s recessed cockpit afforded an unobstructed view for passengers. “Are we all set, Howard?”
Howard turned in the pilot’s seat and looked up at Danny. Howard’s eyes glowed a vibrant red in his pewter face. “We are indeed all set, sir. Our estimated time en route will be forty-eight minutes, and I expect clear skies and a comfortable flight. So if your seatbelts are secured about your persons, I shall request our clearance and we shall be on our way.”
Danny assisted Candy with her seat belt, and then fastened his own. Howard watched until both buckles were secure. He turned back to the flight controls. A translucent privacy divider slid silently into place, dividing the cockpit and the passenger cabin.
The shuttle lifted off from the tarmac. It hovered for a moment, then rose vertically away from the landing pad and out over the street. The canopy reached all the way down to the floor, and Candy leaned forward, looking past her shoes at the street below. “There’s my office.”
Danny leaned over so he could see.
“And there’s Chateaux Pizza,” said Candy.
“Watch this.”
Ahead lay the infamous Hollywood sign, its tall white letters built into the hillside. Howard piloted the shuttle slowly past it.
“Wow,” said Candy, “I’ve never seen it so close.”
“I asked Howard to give us a fly-by. You know, there’s some guy who wants to make the letters into a building, and make the whole sign into a luxury hotel.”
“It certainly would provide an amazing view. But it’s a city landmark. They can’t turn it into a hotel.”
“For the right amount of money I bet they could.”
“But they shouldn’t.”
The shuttle gained altitude, leaving the Hollywood sign behind.
“Shall we eat?” asked Candy. “I’m starved.”
Danny unfolded the tray tables from inside the armrest between their seats and unpacked the food. He unfolded the heat-wrap from around one end of the burritos and handed it to Candy. He then unwrapped his own and considered it. “I don’t know if I can get my mouth around this.”
“I can.” Candy proceeded to entirely bite off the burrito’s end. Her cheeks bulged. “It’s good.” She smiled at Danny and they both laughed.
The city passed beneath them while they ate, and they marveled at the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles as Howard guided the shuttle between the tall buildings.
“It’s so beautiful,” said Candy.
Candy smiled and took another big bite of her breakfast burrito, and then took a long sip of her coffee.
Danny said, “Did you know that in Turkey, when a man and woman want to get married, the groom and his family visit the home of the bride and her family in order to get their blessing for the marriage. The bride prepares coffee for everyone. But instead of sugar, she adds salt to the groom’s coffee. If the groom drinks the coffee and doesn’t complain or get upset, she knows he’s a good man with a good temperament, and that it’s okay to marry him.”
“Are you saying you put salt in my coffee?”
“Why, do you want to get married?”
“We’ve only known each other about twelve hours,” said Candy.
“True. But we could blow off the Space Port and go to Vegas.”
“We could indeed. Let’s ask Howard what he thinks.” Candy found the appropriate button on the armrest and pressed it. The cabin divider slid silently open. “Howard?”
Howard’s robotic voice came back, “Yes, miss?”
“Howard, Danny and I are considering having you take us to Las Vegas so we can get married. What do you think?”
“I believe I am ill-equipped to answer such an inquiry, Miss,” said Howard.
“That’s all right, Howard. I’m asking for your opinion. What do you think?”
There was silence for a time, and then Howard’s voice filled the cabin once more. “I think the odds of the two of you having met are quite small. And that if you and Master Danny are in love, a marriage may be appropriate.”
Candy said, “Have you ever been in love, Howard?”
“Love between two robots would be unprecedented,” Howard replied.
“But have you ever been in love?” Candy repeated.
“No, miss.”
Candy closed the divider and turned to Danny. “We need to get Howard a girlfriend.”
“Love between robots would be unprecedented.”
“Then let’s set the precedent.” Candy inserted the final, large bite of her breakfast burrito into her mouth, crumpled the wrapper, and disposed of it in the empty bag.
“You were hungry.” Danny looked down at his half-consumed burrito.
Candy opened one of the containers of fruit salad and began to eat. “If these apples don’t do the trick, will you be upset if I throw up on you?”
“Is that the zero-G version of salt in my coffee?”
Candy laughed. “Something like that.”
“No, I won’t mind. I’m not suggesting that you actually do it, but no, I won’t mind.”
Candy held her fork up to Danny’s mouth and fed a bite of apple to him.
The urban landscape gave way to green hills and then to brown mountains, followed by low desert. They flew over the San Jacinto mountains and over Palm Springs, surrounded by dozens of windmill farms. In the distance was a great body of sparkling blue water.
“That’s the Salton Sea.” Danny pointed. “Decades ago, it was all but dead and dried up. But they built a pipeline to pump water into it from the ocean, and a desalinization plant to make it a freshwater lake and for nearby irrigation. It completely revitalized the lake. Now it’s one of the most popular vacation spots in California. Takes in a lot of tourist dollars. A lot of showbiz folks have houses on the water where they dock their yachts. One of my favorite restaurants is in Salton Sea Beach, a place called Kimo’s. They have the best teriyaki chicken sandwich I’ve ever eaten.”
“Sounds like fun,” said Candy. “We should go there sometime. There’s nothing I like more than putting on my bikini and relaxing on the beach with a good book.”
Danny pressed the Intercom button on the armrest. “Howard, would you please take us down for a low pass over the sea?”
Howard’s voice filled the cabin through the speakers. “Certainly, sir.”
“So, I didn’t see a robot at your place earlier,” said Danny.
“I don’t own one,” said Candy. “I work with robots every day. Having one at home feels like more work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. But it’s also important to be able to get away from it. Plus, I’ve always felt that it’s unwise to become too dependent on robots. You would not believe the crazy stuff robots tell me when their owners bring them into my office. Everything from being ordered to go out and buy booze or drugs, to being ordered to have sex with their owner.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah,” said Candy.
Howard’s voice came over the cabin intercom, “Pardon the interruption, but I am beginning our descent over the lake.”
“Thank you, Howard,” Danny replied.
The shuttle descended from the sky, flying low over the northern end of the great blue sea. Row after row of white boats filled the slips in the marina. Grand hotels lined the shore. Luxurious yachts floated on the water, and speedboats raced here and there, towing water skiers in their wakes. Sunlight shone on the water’s surface, and Candy squinted her eyes against its brilliance.
“It’s so beautiful,” she said.
“See that big hotel on the right, the gold one?” Danny pointed. “That’s the Dan Panorama. Kimo’s is there. The last time I was there–”
An explosion rocked the shuttle. A ball of orange fire appeared on the right side of the craft, and black smoke streamed out behind it.
The shuttle rolled hard to the right, banking and falling as it went, its nose dropping, until the craft was entirely inverted.
Candy and Danny were slammed hard to one side, and hung suspended upside down, held fast by their seatbelts.
The sound of the engines spooling up filled the cabin. The shuttle lurched and Candy cried out.
The shuttle rolled upright, rocking side to side.
The privacy divider slid open and Howard called out, “Sir, compressors three and four have malfunctioned.”
“Malfunctioned?!” Danny cried.
“I regret, sir, that I will not be able to keep the craft in the air. Prepare for a water landing.”
“We’re ditching?” yelled Danny.
“I’m afraid so, sir.”
Candy yelled, “Have you ever landed on the water before, Howard?”
“No, miss. But I will do my best to assure that you both survive the impact. I have alerted Air Traffic Control as to our emergency and rescue crews are being mobilized. Once we are in the water, I will jettison the canopy and deploy the fluorescein. Please swim to the surface. I estimate impact in . . . nineteen seconds.”
Candy and Danny turned to face one another. Candy still held her coffee cup in her left hand. “What’s fluorescein?”
“Green dye. So they know where to find us.”
Candy took hold of Danny’s hand.
“Can you swim?” Danny asked.
Candy nodded her head. “Can you?”
Danny nodded.
“Can Howard?”
“I’m not sure. But I think he’s waterproof. Mostly.”
The sight of blue water grew larger and larger, filling the horizon.
“Ten seconds,” called Howard.
Candy and Danny sat rigidly, holding hands, unmoving.
Down on the lake’s surface, people were beginning to notice the disabled shuttle. They pointed up at the long plume of black smoke streaking across the sky. Danny saw people on an enormous yacht all standing and pointing. Then the yacht raced by and was gone.
“Five seconds,” called Howard.
Blue water rushed past their feet.
“Three seconds. Engine shutdown.”
Everything became very quiet.
“One second.”
Water slammed into the shuttle.
Candy and Danny were thrown forward. Candy’s cup flew from her hand and hit the canopy, splattering it with brown coffee.
The shuttle skipped across the lake’s surface once, then again, then struck the water a third time and plowed into an oncoming wave, and was submerged.
Silence.
Directly overhead, mere feet above, and clearly visible, was the surface of the lake. Beams of sunlight shone diagonally from the surface, rippling through the cabin.
“Are we sinking?” Candy asked.
“I can’t tell. Howard, are we sinking?”
“I estimate the craft to be very near neutral buoyancy at this depth, sir. But we may descend deeper. Particularly as we take on water. Some water is filling the cockpit near my feet.”
Candy and Danny scanned the cabin. Rivulets of water were appearing here and there where the canopy met with the floor.
“Should we blow the canopy?” Danny asked.
“It is difficult to judge if the canopy would separate fully from the craft. Water would rush in, filling the cabin, but with the canopy still in place, egress may be impossible. I recommend we wait, sir.”
Candy tapped the floor with her shoes. The carpet was now thoroughly drenched.
A droning sound emerged.
“What is that?” Candy asked.
The droning grew louder.
“I think it’s a boat,” said Danny.
A frothy white wake appeared on the surface above them. The white hull of a small boat circled the submerged shuttle, and then came to rest. Two men plunged into the water and swam to the sides of the shuttle. One of them carried a rope.
“Are they rescue divers?” Candy asked.
“I don’t think so,” Danny replied.
One man swam over the top of the shuttle, his hands squeaking on the canopy, while the other man swam beneath it. They met on the other side, passed the coil of rope through a black triangle at one end, and then kicked to the surface, where they climbed into their boat.
The engine roared to life and the boat slowly moved across the surface of the water, dragging the rope behind it.
Gradually, the rope stretched taught.
The shuttle heaved, held fast by the tow rope.
“They’re towing us to shore,” said Danny. “Howard, quick, pull back. Angle the control surfaces upward. Maybe we can get to the surface.”
“Yes, of course, sir,” said Howard. “Brilliant, sir.”
Howard pulled back on the control yoke. The shuttle’s nose angled upward, rising and rising, until it broke the surface, and Candy and Danny emerged into the world once again. Sunlight spilled across their faces, warm and bright.
Small boats were scattered all around. Ever bigger yachts floated nearby. Everyone cheered and clapped when the shuttle appeared.
The tow boat angled toward shore, bringing the shuttle slowly behind it, until both vessels entered the closest marina and pulled alongside a dock.
Mooring ropes were secured about the shuttle. Danny opened the canopy and he and Candy climbed out. Howard extricated himself from the cockpit, and all three stood safely on the dock. Danny leaned close to Candy, “Next time, we’ll take my Viper Jet.”
“Deal.”
Danny noticed Howard studying him. When Danny’s eyes met Howard’s, Howard looked away.
~
After a brief inspection by medical personnel, a report taken by a soft-spoken deputy from the Salton Sheriff’s Department, and a hearty round of thanks to the two men who had towed them to the dock, Candy, Danny, and Howard were free to make arrangements for their disabled vehicle as well as for themselves.
Candy found a ladies room in the closest hotel, where she went to freshen up and gather herself.
Danny and Howard stood on the dock, watching as a small crane hoisted the shuttle from the water and lowered it onto the back of a flatbed truck. It was then covered and secured with wide yellow ratchet straps.
Howard turned to Danny. “Sir, may I have a word with you? Alone?”
Danny led Howard away from the truck, where the driver was finishing his preparations to get underway.
“What is it?” Danny asked.
“Sir, I would like to remain with the shuttle. I will travel with Master McGherrity in his truck and back to Los Angeles, to his repair facility.”
“Why?”
“Sir, prior to your arrival at the shuttle port this morning, I performed a complete and thorough preflight inspection of the aircraft. Not to do so would have violated not only my responsibilities as an aviator, but also the laws of robotics.
“The first law pertains to you and Miss Candy, that I neither cause nor fail to prevent your coming to harm. For me not to be absolutely certain that the shuttle was airworthy would be a violation of this law.
“The second law pertains not only to you and Miss Candy, but also to Master Floyd, who gave the original, and strongest, order that I pilot the shuttle today. I was thus bound to obey it, as long as it did not violate the first law. Were there to be an accident Master Floyd would have been injured as well, if not physically then certainly mentally and emotionally.
“Finally, the third law stating that I must protect my own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law. These are the laws put forth nearly a century ago. To break them would be a violation of the fundamental tenet that robots be an unwavering aid to mankind. The very possibility also sets up a most unwanted escalation of positronic potential; one which all robots seek to avoid.
“By performing a thorough and complete preflight inspection of the shuttle prior to our departure, I satisfied my own need to keep myself safe from harm, thereby upholding the third law as well. And by upholding the third law, I simultaneously uphold the first two laws. With all three laws fully satisfied, I was free to pilot the craft for you and Miss Candy. And indeed I was quite pleased to be of service, for although I seldom have the opportunity to pilot an aircraft, it is an activity I enjoy immensely. Flying makes me feel good, sir.”
“It makes you feel good?”
“Yes, sir. The positrons flow more freely in my brain, and my algorithmic analyses seem to proceed more quickly, with inferences and conclusions being made more readily and with less effort. From what I have observed of human behavior and emotion, I liken my inward sensations to the positive emotions felt by human beings. In short, sir, flying makes me happy.”
“You are aware that I am a pilot myself and that I own an airplane, are you not?”
“I am indeed aware of your status as an aviator, sir. Many times I have listened to you discuss matters of aviation with Master Floyd, and I have longed to accompany you in your airplane. But I dared not suggest such a thing.”
“Why not? I would love to go flying with you. Especially now that I know how much you enjoy it.”
“It could be considered forward, sir. There was the possibility that you would be made uncomfortable by such a suggestion, or that Master Floyd might be made so; I am, after all, his property. There was also the possibility of rejection; were you to deny my request, I would lose face, and this would be very near a violation of the third law, which would be uncomfortable for me. Each time I considered broaching the subject with you, these possibilities resonated within me. It was only through remaining silent that the uncomfortable potential subsided. I therefore said nothing.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re telling me now, Howard. As I said, I would enjoy going flying with you any time.”
“And I with you sir. I thank you for listening to me in this manner.
“And now I feel I must return to the subject at hand, for I am experiencing a gathering of positronic potential. I believe you would describe it as anxiety. Tinged with a bit of fear, I think.”
“Why are you anxious, Howard?” Danny asked. “Why are you afraid?”
“Our unintended water landing was due to the explosion, as you know. I am afraid because, according to my deductions, there can be only one explanation for the explosion.”
“And what explanation would that be, Howard?”
“Sabotage, sir.”
~
“Sabotage?”
“Yes, sir. The shuttle was in perfect working order prior to our departure. I verified this myself, for reasons I have stated. But I left the shuttle unattended for approximately nine minutes when I went downstairs to await the arrival of you and Miss Candy. During this time, an explosive device could have been affixed to our shuttle without our knowledge, with the intent of destroying it completely. The fact that we survived is, I believe, the result of an inadequate amount of explosive being used. In other words, it is the result of mere luck.”
“Our survival is the result of your superb flying skills, Howard. We’d be dead if it weren’t for you.”
“I thank you for the compliment, sir. But if I had not left the shuttle unattended, the explosive device could not have been affixed to it. I therefore accept full responsibility for this accident.”
“It’s not your fault, Howard. You didn’t know this was going to happen.”
“Nevertheless, I see now that it was foolish of me to preflight the aircraft and to then leave it unattended, however briefly, only to return to it and depart in it without performing an additional inspection, if only a brief one. In the future, I will not make this mistake again. I do recall having read of this in the Federal Aviation Regulations, yet I did not follow the regulations to the letter. For this I am deeply sorry, sir. And as I have stated, it will never happen again. That is, of course, if I am permitted to retain my Pilot’s License, if I am allowed to continue flying.”
“It’s okay, Howard. I forgive you. And I’m quite certain Candy forgives you as well and will tell you so when you see her. I also have no doubt that your Pilot’s License is not in jeopardy. You will be allowed to continue flying. But if it becomes an issue, I will vouch for you myself.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“What I want to know is, how could this have happened? We were the only ones at the shuttle port.”
“We were the only ones on the ground, sir. But if you recall, upon our arrival to the rooftop departure area, there was a shuttle leaving the vicinity. You yourself commented on its excessive speed.”
“That’s right, I did.”
“Indeed, sir. I believe the occupant or occupants of that shuttle are responsible for sabotaging our aircraft.”
“But for what reason?”
“I cannot say, sir. Nevertheless, the shuttle is not entirely destroyed. The saboteurs may seek to ensure its complete destruction, for although they failed in their ultimate goal, which we must assume was the destruction of its occupants, namely you and Miss Candy, the fact that the shuttle remains intact will make it available for forensic analysis. It is quite likely that those involved in planning our demise will seek to prevent such an analysis. It is for this reason that I am, as nearly as I am able to understand, afraid.”
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