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Hey, you guys, why do I have to double-click?
Why are we all double-clicking?
This is with a mouse, obviously, not your finger on the screen tap dancing like a cat on a hot tin roof go see that play if you never have. Said Pot to Kettle.
We started with double-clicking. A long time ago. That was what everybody was doing back in the ’80s. And don’t forget the left-facing apostrophe on ’80s.
See how hard that was? The apostrophe looking the right way? I had to do that twice. Just now. And I did it. I have been lazy of late and have not been doing it. Despite knowing full-well that what I’m doing is wrong and makes me look like I’m not so much…with the words.
Good evening, my fellow rageaholics, and welcome to tonight’s show. I’m so happy you’re here and we get to spend this time together and it’s gonna be swell.
Wink-wink on the swell.
You know what? Cue Sexy Black Voice: And now, what you have been waiting for, what your earholes have been craving – earholes is a new and funny word being used primarily by younger people but it is funny so I vote that we go ahead and use it – here, once again and back by multitudes of popular demand, The Hot. Fudge. Sundaes. Doing a special, unprecedented, never-seen-before and never-to-be-forgotten three-song set comprised of three of your favorite songs you’ve never heard before: Wink-wink on the Swell, Altruism Rewarded, and one of my personal favorites Multitudes of Popular Demand. Gentlemen, take it away.
{musical interlude}
Okay, so we were talking about earholes and double-clicking.
And remind me to do the fork joke. I meant to do it last night.
So, earholes and double-clicking. Which one should we get lost in first? Minutiae is our game here at Alien Night Club.
I’ve always wanted to build my own hangar where I keep my exotic aircraft. And by exotic, I mean REALLY exotic. Like A Veritech from Robotech and the Macross Universe. Which is my all-time favorite, by the way, so if anyone wants to get together and finally make the Robotech movie and fuckin do it right, so it’s made by us, the fans, who know what it should be about and what it should look like and sorry but it ain’t fuckin Transformers.
Okay?
Transformers is visually stunning and perhaps definitely some of the best CG ever done. And if you worked on that and have always wanted to do Robotech, like you have always wanted to work on the Robotech movie more than anything else, like I have, then we need to talk. Because, for me, I just wasn’t that much of a Transformers guy. I think I was about three years too old when I discovered it. And that show skews a bit younger, in my opinion. Robotech felt more serious, more adult. That was one of the reasons I was drawn to it. It was a tiny bit dark. And it wasn’t just good guys beating up bad guys with lots of pretty and hypnotizing colors every day after school. It was on in the morning, which made it harder to watch. I would have to pry myself out of bed to get up early enough to go sit in front of the TV and watch it. Because I have never really been an Early Bird. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve shifted a bit more to being an Early Bird. The clock is ticking. That helps get you out of bed every morning. That’s for sure. It’s why you see seniors up so early walking and doing stuff in the park and being bad-asses and puttin’ in the work. It’s because they don’t know how much time they have left and they’re kind of shitting themselves. So they get up early and exercise because all the messaging pretty much on the entire Earth these days is that regular exercise makes you healthier, that it prolongs your life and improves your quality of life as well, so you feel better all the time. You don’t struggle to get up off the couch. Or out of your car. It shouldn’t be that way. If your ass was in shape, even in kinda halfway-decent shape, like you were hitting it pretty hard a religious minimum of four days per week, and that included some pretty hard resistance training of some sort, then you would be totally and completely able to get out of your car or up off the sofa very easily without even thinking about it. If you can’t do either of those things, you are out of shape. Let’s acknowledge it and move on…to the solution. Which is eating better, putting protein at the bottom of the food pyramid, topped by vegetables, then fruit, then carbs at the top. Unless you are insanely active on a daily basis, like a professional athlete, you do not need all those carbs. Those carbs give bursts of energy and provide water for the body’s minute tissues. If you’re not sweatin’ your ass off, swingin a hammer or something, something HARD that most people can never truly understand because they’ve never come and done what you do, then you do not need an entire first floor of a pyramid worth of carbs to get you through your day. It sounds like a pathway to diabetes. I don’t know that much about it but in my experience, you feel better and are less fat when you eat a low-glycemic index diet, which means a low number on the actual glycemic index, which is a real thing you should Google if you never have. It’s a scientific measuring tool that we use to measure the sugariness of food, so to speak. Not necessarily whether or not it actually has sugar in it, but more like what effect it will have on your blood sugar level and insulin level after you eat it. Insulin is the master storage hormone. Your pancreas secretes it to go get the sugar and take it to your cells. It’s like an Uber driver. Your cells called and ordered food because they were partying and had The Righteous Munchies.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: And now, that’s right, more of that sweet, soul-stirring audio lemonade you crave. Comin’ at your earholes and your heart right now – and singing their newest hit Righteous Munchies – it’s The Hot Fudge Sundaes.
{musical interlude}
Is it Righteous Munchies or The Righteous Munchies?
Is it Righteous Brothers or The Righteous Brothers?
Because to be honest, I’m not sure.
The point is that your cells need nutrients to function and collectively keep you alive. So they signal for food. And your brain makes your body move in such a way that you eat. Food and beverages come sliding down your throat and splashing and plopping into your stomach just like in Inner Space with Dennis Quaid and Martin Short.
And it mixes with the gastric juices and dissolves into smaller and smaller bits until it’s out of your stomach and moving through your blood stream. Liver and kidneys might be involved there, too. But how does the stuff get into your cells?
Ah-hah!
Insulin. Your pancreas shoots a giant load. That load, called insulin, grabs onto your food and drags it over to the cells. And this is happening millions and millions of times, by the way. The insulin knocks on the door of the cells. And in the muscle cells there’s a thing called a T-4 receptor and it comes over and opens the door and accepts the food delivery and it all gets doled out to the folks in the house, aka the cell.
Well, if you sit around your house on your computer or on the sofa, ordering fuckloads of Uber Eats, binging like crazy, smoking like crazy, hopefully sexing like crazy….
For as fun as that is, it will make you fat. Being that sedentary – that means you don’t move and walk around very much – and eating that many calories is like you putting more and more money in the bank. Except that’s a bad metaphor because saving money and making your bank accounts grow is GOOD. It’s a GOOD thing. That’s what we want. That’s what we’re all trying to do.
But getting fat is not a good thing. A few pounds maybe, is understandable. Especially if you know in a couple months from now you’re gonna get the fitness bug and you’re gonna go apeshit on the working out and you’re going to lose this weight and more. Because you’ve done it many times. It’s not called Yo-Yo Dieting, it’s called Life. With a Capital Fuckin L. What’s in your wallet?
And here’s some more craziness: When you eat, the Uber driver knocks on both sets of doors. Like imagine for some reason they got to a residence with the delivery and there were two doors and they weren’t numbered so the Uber driver is standing there with your food, which isn’t getting any hotter or fresher, by the way, and they have their phone in the other hand and they’re trying to text you and the car is running and the door is open and they’re thinking that the motherflippin clock is ticking, so which door is it?
And nobody answers.
So they knock on both doors. Now, let’s say the left door is Fat. Fat lives there. And the door on the right is where Muscle lives.
Uber driver knocks on both doors.
Maybe Fat’s door is white and Muscle’s door is red. That seems logical. But the Uber driver didn’t know this yet. They didn’t know who lived where.
But here’s the thing. That food delivery is going somewhere; it’s going into one of those two doors. Which door it goes into is entirely up to you.
They’re your doors.
You live there.
So who do you want opening the door: Muscle? Or Fat?
Because whoever gets the nutrients is going to multiply and increase. Do you want more fat or do you want more muscle?
I want more muscle.
Which is why I work out, hard, almost every day. When you do that, Muscle wakes his ass up and is there, ready, when the Uber driver knocks on the door and hands them the food delivery. Muscle takes it in, eats it, and builds more muscle.
Working out primes the muscle. It makes–
I’m sorry, you guys, but my back is freakin killing me. It burns so bad. This ship is great but the bed they gave me is kind of a hammock. I dunno if they saw the Robin Williams Popeye movie and were all like, “Yes, hammocks! Hammocks for everyone.” Not knowing that you sleep like shit in a hammock.
Now, there are probably a bunch of you out there who are thinking that I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about. And maybe I don’t. If I’m wrong, I want to hear your take on it so I can stop being wrong. But in my experience, hammocks are uncomfortable. They’re fun to lie in and read for maybe an hour. And then you’ve gotta get up and out of that thing. They always make my back hurt and my feet usually go to sleep. Sometimes they make your butt hurt, sometimes they make your collar bones hurt because you’re sorta squished and your shoulders are compressed and it hurts after awhile.
I’ve tried the really flat, canvas hammocks, too. Started with the one with the white ropes. We’ve all seen that one. Then moved to the canvas one. That thing is a game of tightrope body balancing just to get into it. And then you can barely move once you’re lying there. Because if you move too much or you shift your weight, the balance of your weight and its distribution in the hammock will shift. And it will shift rapidly. Quickly. Meaning that it will tip over and dump you on the ground and it will happen so fast that you won’t be able to stop it. You will have an accident. You will fall. The ground is hard so it will hurt. So screw those hard canvas hammocks.
The only thing left that I’m aware of are the ones that look like you tied a sleeping bag between two trees. Those might be great. I’ve never tried one of those. But they might suck, too.
Think about it: Why were hammocks invented?
Why?
Don’t shout it out like a freak, think it to yourself right now.
Why were hammocks invented?
Along with boomerangs. Which was for hunting. It’s a weapon. A genius, geniously-simple weapon. Elegant, in fact. And yet still deadly.
Hammocks were for sleeping.
Sleeping when you can’t lie down. Either because the ground is infested with bugs or snakes or scorpions or spiders and it’s safer not to sleep there – such as in a jungle or somewhere out in the wild – or it’s because you’re on a boat and the boat is moving like crazy. But the hammock barely moves. That’s the point. That’s the beauty of it. The boat moves around you. Go back and watch Popeye if it’s been awhile. Watch it again. Or watch it for the first time if you’ve never seen it. It’s sad because Robin Williams is gone and do not search for his ghost box video online. Consider yourself warned. But even though it’s sad watching the movie without Robin still being here on this plane with us, wherever this plane is, wherever this giant spaceship we’re all on is, it’s still a great movie. It’s so much fun. It’s a musical. And I kinda hate musicals. Even though I can name a handful of them that were amazing. Like Popeye and A Chorus Line because Michael Douglas was in it, and Willie Wonka because Gene Wilder is a goat legend, and Chicago. Chicago. Who knew? I guess the people who made it knew. And the people who made the movie version I watched. Maybe I don’t hate musicals.
At any rate, my mattress sucks. I need to conjure a new one. From the Ant Man universe. Just don’t seem to care enough to actually do it. Which is weird.
But getting back to something I wanted to be sure and talk about: Altruism rewarded.
I came across this while composing my show notes. Altruism. Rewarding altruism.
What is altruism? It’s doing something noble or righteous or charitable for other people. It’s trying to help. It’s helping. It’s doing something because it’s the right thing to do. That is the primary motivation, the main driver.
Not. Money.
Not money.
But compensation nonetheless. That’s what you get from doing the good, right thing: compensation. Spiritual compensation that is far more powerful than money. Obviously we all need money. But altruism is greater.
And the reason I started thinking about altruism is because of Mr. Beast. I don’t know if you guys know him. Some of you I’m sure do. Not personally, but you know of him and you’ve seen his work and you’re on board. And you want some of that chocolate. Did you know that one of his business ventures he uses to raise money for charity is selling bars of chocolate? It’s brilliant. And it’s working. He dressed up like Willie Wonka. He even built a chocolate factory. Which he gave away to a fan who won it via a competition with other fans. He even got Gordon Ramsey to eat some.
Altruism Rewarded.
That’s what we want. We need and want more of that. That’s how we save the world, quote-unquote, insofar as it’s saveable. Because sometimes, you guys, I’m not sure that it is. I think it might just be too big. It is getting smaller. Definitely. The next generation is going to be so much better at the interconnected stuff. Technology has enabled it. Hopefully there won’t be one last, really violent squabble between the old fogies as they shuffle off stage.
What’s the famous line about life and being but a poor player upon a stage?
Google that if you don’t know. It’s powerful.
Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s from Macbeth. Shakespeare. Macbeth is having a bad day. Like, really bad. So he’s sorta gone to the Dark Side.
He says:
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
And scene.
Tikun Olam.
Pronounced tee-KOON oh-LAHM. It’s Hebrew. It basically means fixing the world. Fixing the World.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: And now, here to save the world with their aptly-titled new hit single, Tikun Olam, please enjoy their delectable chocolatey sound, it’s The Hot Fudge Sundaes.
{musical interlude}
Anyway, if you work out, Muscles opens the door and you take one more small step on the journey to being lean and muscular and sexy and happy.
And if you don’t work out, Fat opens the door. Fat opens the door. You know what happens after that. Do I even need to say it? I will if you want me to. You take one more tiny step on the road to misery. Obesity. Joint pain. Discomfort lying down or trying to sit in an airplane seat. Maybe diabetes. Heart disease. Metabolic syndrome. All kinds of bad stuff. So much so that they put it all together into a new thing called a syndrome, which is a collection of symptoms.
So work out. Knock on Muscle’s door.
Cue Guns N’ Roses parody:
Knock-knock-knockin’ on Muscle’s door.
By the way, Bob Dylan wrote that song. G N’ R covered it. Beyond brilliantly, in my humble opinion. They did for Knockin On Heaven’s Door what Jimmy Hendrix did for All Along the Watchtower.
So you work out, you lift, you eat, and Mr. Muscles comes walking out. Some have a masturbating bear, others have a giant rubber M textured to look like muscle fibers. Unless Mike O’Hearn is available. And interested.
So, welcome, welcome, welcome….
Welcome to Show 6. Show 6? We’re going with Show 6.
Altruism Rewarded. I love that.
That was the main thing from the show notes. That and some politics, which I’d rather not talk about, actually.
So back to clicking. Double-clicking. Why did we all start doing that again? We double-clicked in the beginning. Late eighties, early nineties. Then it went away for a while. You know why? Because it’s annoying. Were that many of you accidentally deleting shit with that single click that Microsoft heard about it and changed it back to the original way? Which was double-clicking.
Because that’s the only thing I can think of. I hate double-clicking. It’s not necessary. The one, single click was fine. My mouse, and all mice I’ve ever used, is sufficiently resistant to clicks that I have to press it fairly hard. It’s quite rare that I click by accident.
Nevertheless, the double-click came back. I don’t run in those circles, the tech circles, the dev circles, so I didn’t hear about it before they actually did it.
Sometimes you hear about stuff before it happens. And then when it happens, you’re not surprised. You're not happy or angry. You may like it or dislike it, but you’re not upset. Because you weren’t startled by it. You weren’t caught unawares, as they say. I don’t know why it’s unawares, with an S, instead of simply unaware, caught unaware, but that’s what the expression is. Caught unawares.
I can’t think of any examples. This would’ve been something to consider during the show prep. But the show prep is brief. I pretty much just come right out here on stage, hoping I’m ready. The longer the prep, the more stuff I forget. Then I have to come out here and try to remember everything. Because I don’t have the diver’s whiteboard in my shower yet. I do have a hammock bed. But no whiteboard in my shower.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: And now, here to perform their newest hit single, No Whiteboard In My Shower, The Hot Fudge Sundaes.
{musical interlude}
What is that song about? No whiteboard in my shower? Or no white board in my shower. A board that is white. What is that? A White man’s erection?
If so, what are they trying to say? Are they happy or sad that there’s no whiteboard, or white board, no White man’s erection, in their shower?
I dunno. Maybe one day we’ll find out.
Maybe it’s classism. Like it’s a socioeconomic thing, not a kinky sex thing. Maybe having a whiteboard in your shower, even if it’s tiny and not expensive, is viewed as such a ridiculous luxury that it kinda seems almost unfair that we’re working our asses off, we’re doing our best, we’re doing more than a lot of people are doing, but we’re not getting anywhere. We’re not getting ahead. There’s always some big government bullshit thing that happens and all the money gets fucked up. And we all get pushed backwards. What is that about? Watch The Big Short if you don’t know. The only way that shit is going to change and come to an end and we’re all going to finally stop getting assfucked by David Bowie’s knife is when we do it the hard way: we go to school, learn how the system works, and begin exerting positive influence in the financial system and its myriad tentacles. We’ve got to tame that octopus.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: We’ve got to tame that octopus.
And feed it some Altruism.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: And feed it some altruism.
Only then are we going to have a more just world.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: Only then are we going to have a more just world. But just remember, we’re never going to have a completely just world because no matter what happens, there will always be some lazy people out there thinking the rest of us are here to wait on them, meanwhile we are working our asses off.
That’s right. That is absolutely right.
If you want a whiteboard in your shower, you should be able to get one. With hard work and discipline and personal responsibility, the foundation of a healthy, functioning society, you should have no trouble saving up – or straight up financing, which I have done and am not sure I recommend – and being able to buy that whiteboard for your shower.
If you want a white board in your shower, a White man’s erection, that is not a financial transaction. At least, it shouldn’t be. If it is, when done quickly, that is called prostitution. When done slowly, it is called gold-digging. Or codependence. It could be that, too. Or daddy issues.
But if we want to exert real change, it means raising our kids so they have exposure to things like the financial system. And this will, in time, lead to more sane people working in that industry. And then we’ll be less likely to be seeing our reflections in David Bowie’s knife just before him and his boys bend us over a pallet stacked high with big white bags of grain or flour.
We’ve got to tame that octopus. Or, at a minimum, learn the rules of the game so we can play, too.
Has everyone seen My Octopus Teacher? Go see it if you haven’t. It’s crazy. It’s nuts. It’ll make you think. That’s also how we conjure a more just world: by teaching empathy. Even if it begins with an octopus.
So that’s pretty much it. We’re all double-clicking. That’s here to stay. At least for a while.
We talked about Mr. Muscles.
Tikun Olam.
It sounds playful. It sounds joyous. Like it should be a tropical Disney movie and an amazing ride at one of their parks. Kinda like the Tiki Bar.
By the way, Disney, you need more dark rides and water rides. And more dark water rides. Every attraction should have both. While you’re building Seven Dwarves Mine Train, build a water dark ride at the same time. One that runs along the base of the rollercoaster that a lot of people are afraid, or straight up simply can’t for one reason or another, to ride. So why can’t there be a sweet-ass little boat ride similar to Small World? Only it’s all in and out of a forest and a mine full of sparkly gems. Or is it to the point where showing dwarves sheltering an amnesiac White woman is interpreted as wrong? And showing them in the mine, suffering, being forced to dig gems out of the Earth is portrayed as stealing, robbing Mother Earth.
I think that might be looking a little too deeply into it.
Would you rather Snow White helps the dwarves set up a 501-(c)(3) charitable corporation so they can do business in Haiti?
Point being, why do you think the line for Peter Pan’s Flight is always 180 minutes? It’s bonkers. When you get on the ride, you’re sitting in this little plastic boat. The Cast Member wiggles their fingers over the front of it and the lap bar folds down toward you, keeping you safely inside the ride vehicle. The wiggling of the fingers is actually them sprinkling fairy dust on the ride vehicle, the plastic boat you're sitting in. And the fairy dust is magical. And it transforms the plastic boat into a flying plastic boat. And when you enter the ride, your boat is flying over an ocean and a series of tropical islands, and then over the whole of London itself. And it’s nighttime and there’s a full moon and the whole city looks purple from up here. And it’s full of sparkling lights, and Big Ben stands proudly in the center of it all, keeping watch over everyone.
But imagine being that Cast Member and having to wiggle your fingers and smile and sprinkle fairy dust eight hours a day. Or however long their shift is. Maybe it’s only six hours. Maybe it’s three and then a break and then three more and they go home. I have no idea. I’ve never worked there.
Regardless, it’s a long time to do that job. I don’t have the temperament for it. I think I’d go crazy the very first day.
I actually read that people who worked It’s a Small World in Anaheim were, in fact, going crazy. Being exposed to that song all day every day while you’re sitting there pushing buttons on the 1960’s control panel and watching people get into and out of, again, little plastic boats. Although I think they may be made of fiberglass.
Apparently they had to lower the volume or change the ride so that the music only plays inside the ride itself, not out front where the Cast Members are loading guests.
Imagine Joaquin Phoenix playing that role. It would be like playing The Joker again only he works at Magic Kingdom and comes to realize it really is a small world after all. Because of technology. We can have a video call with a person anywhere in the world. It’s quite something.
I gotta say, though, that it took a long time for the video call technology to be adopted. It was basically being ignored, and had been ignored since the early ’90s when the technology was actually commercially available. It was available and very few people bought it. No one really wanted it. I know people who bought the whole system with the special phones and cameras and the whole thing, but they didn’t have anyone to use it with because no one bought it.
And the reason no one bought it is because we like talking on the phone. When we can’t be seen. It’s easier to be yourself when you’re not sitting in front of a camera. The phone is less intrusive. When you talk, the other person hears you. Plus, video calls are still challenging. Oftentimes, you can’t hear what the other person said or they can’t hear you. And the technology’s limitations get in the way of the communication.
But not up here, boy. Not on this ship. No sirree, Bob.
I haven’t placed any video calls myself yet but I’ve seen others doing it. It’s like the other person is standing there and there is a divider between your lower bodies. But you can see each other’s upper bodies. You can actually see each other. You could reach out and touch if you wanted to.
Except you can’t. Because it’s not real. They’re not really there. It’s just a video. But that’s how real it looks.
But it took a pandemic for people to finally start doing video calls. Zoom. Facetime. It just goes to show that when your back’s up against the wall, you’ll do what you gotta do.
You guys wanna do the fork joke now?
It goes like this:
You know what I like about Chinese people?
They’re hanging in there with those chopsticks.
You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re well-aware that we have the fork.
Farmer. Working in the field all day. Shovel. Hello. There it is. You’re not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.
That’s it, that’s the end.
You’re not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues. But you might with 40 Acres and a Mule.
Point being that that joke is not mine. It belongs to one Mister Jerome Seinfeld, Comedy Genius, co-creator of the legendary show about nothing, and goat in his own right. Or should we say wright? A jokewright. Like a playwright. Because he hath wrought his own jokes. To the very pinnacle of sugary greatness. Goatness. A higher compliment there can never be.
The reason for telling the fork joke is because it pertains to what we were saying about aliens and Ross going to China to eat Chinese food. But, as Chandler said, there they just call it food.
Also, when you go to a Chinese restaurant, or a Japanese restaurant, or you simply eat with chopsticks like at McDonalds or Taco Bell or Jack in the Box or Burger King or Subway to pick up all the stuff that falls out of your sammich or whatever, it is rude to put your chopsticks down side by side on your plate or bowl in such a manner that they are pointing at the person across from you.
You are supposed to set them down horizontally, so they are facing left and right in front of you.
Anyway, like I was saying, I’ve always wanted to have my own ride in my house. Where you come over and we enter an elevator that takes us up to the platform where we can climb into our Veritech Valkyrie. It’s a bit like the giant robots in Pacific Rim.
But the thing is, the elevator has hi-def screens for windows. And it makes it look like you are going up. Then you exit and walk to the simulator. You feel like you’re up in the air but you’re actually walking on a metal platform that is only about 10 inches off the garage floor. And you climb into what looks very much like the cockpit of a really futuristic aircraft. Except the seats are like a really comfortable loveseat. With a footrest and everything. So you can be very comfortable while you’re flying. Maybe you walk into a room and there is a loveseat in front of a control panel and in front of the control panel is a big window, as big as the walls in the room. And it’s one giant screen. So it’s very immersive.
Unless that will make me nauseous. Like flying on a banshee. Will making it more real make you more or less likely to get motion sick? Or neither? Because people who are prone to motion sickness, like me, can get sick on a real ride or on a simulator. Minions? Hello. I didn’t last 30 seconds. That 30 seconds ruined my entire day because I spent the rest of the day dizzy and afraid I was going to throw up soon.
Something about little pieces of limestone called otoliths floating around in the fluid of your inner ear. Like ice cubes in a glass of Captain and Coke. With plenty of ice and not too, too heavy on the Captain. But neither too light.
Little pieces of rock in your earholes. Think you could wash your earholes with Captain Morgan? With spiced rum?
Rum is what Johnny Depp was drinking in the Pirate’s movies. I never really got into those. I saw the first one. Didn’t do much for me. Maybe if I’d been baked. Because I love the ride. Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland is quite possibly my favorite ride of all time. It has two drops. Orlando just has one. I guess they couldn’t dig as deep in Florida as they could in California. The Florida Aqueduct is under the ground. It’s where all the rain goes. And where drinking water comes from. So you can’t drill down into that. No such thing in Anaheim, I guess. So they were able to have you go further underground. I also read that the reason for the drop in the Anaheim ride, which was built first, was because the railroad tracks for the Disneyland Railroad were in the way. So they needed the ride vehicle to go under it.
And if you’ve ever wondered what taking a boat ride through the bayou past an old dude in a rocking chair chillin on his porch has to do with pirates, Jeremy P. on Inside the Magic dot net has tale for you: he thought of this as well and asked a Cast Member. The Cast Member said that this elderly gentleman in the rocking chair is a retired pirate. And that as you proceed past him and the ride changes in appearance, you are experiencing his life story from his pirate days prior to his retirement.
Furthermore, the Haunted Mansion next door is also his. After he swore off his life of pirate shenanigans and settled down with his lovely bride, they bought that house. That lovely mansion. But then he had just one more shenanigan to get up to, one which would set them up for life. One last job. While he was out on said job, she discovered that their grand lifestyle, including her dream wedding, had all been paid for with pirate booty. Ew. So ashamed was she that she sort of offed herself. With a rope. In the grand foyer at the very beginning of the ride. The stretching room with the trippy paintings and kick-ass Vincent Price narration.
As to how he came to be rocking in a rocking chair on the porch of a shack somewhere very much in the middle of nowhere in the bayou, I suspect that when he returned home and found her, he was so distraught that he fled. He couldn’t live there in that house after that. And he blamed himself, of course. So now all he’s good for is that tiny little shack somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the bayou.
Which is pretty trippy if you think about it. You’re underground but it feels like you're in a boat out on the ocean at night, hanging around in places where there are pirates getting up to their pirate shenanigans.
That kind of immersion is very much what the Banshee and Soaring rides are like in Florida. Banshee is Animal Kingdom, Soaring is EPCOT. And Star Wars is Hollywood Studios.
No problem with the immersion up here. Holy schnikes.
But that leads me back to the Robotech movie. James Wan was attached to direct for a while, back when all the ’80s I.P. was being mined for revival in order to create a new revenue stream by creating vast amounts of new entertainment which could be used to entertain and inform the up-and-coming masses. The new generations who haven’t had the joy of experiencing it yet.
Maybe Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman could be involved. Or are they too comedic? Do we want the movie to be more The Hurt Locker or The Terminal List?
Have you guys seen the scary face in the clouds behind the woman holding the torch in the Columbia Pictures A Sony Company movie openers? It’s totally there. It’s not all that scary to me, though. At least, I don’t think he’s a mean person. I just think he’s a nice cloud man who is here to watch the movie, too.
A nice cloud man.
Not a mean cloud man.
Nice Cloudman. Pronounced Neese, like the city in France. Maybe he’s American Ramstud’s partner. Jean Reno to Gary Oldman.
Would you guys say Gary Oldman is 212 or 213? 212 is Manhattan. 213 is Hollywood.
He’s probably both. But I think I’d say 212.
But that’s the thing: 212 and 213 know each other. They’ve been around a long time. Of course they know each other. You can’t even get 212 anymore. You probably can’t get 213, either. And I’m speaking of someone who used to have a 213. And a 310. Never had a 212, though. Not yet. Had a 760, though. Palm Springs. Palm Springs is a trip. Amazing place. Those mountains are bonkers. The town sits in their shadow and enjoys a premature sunset.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here to give us a much-needed break from the chit-chat bullcrap and to make love to our earholes, performing their latest hit single Premature Sunset, Kobe’s Mix, The Hot Fudge Sundaes.
{musical interlude}
You guys remember what the scientist man in the thick glasses said to Rutger Hauer in Bladerunner? The star which shines twice as bright burns half as long.
I’ve always hoped that’s not true.
Wait, what’s Malibu? 310, right?
Screw the 424. Freakin overlay. That’s for posers.
Has anyone ever done a Ouija Board in space?
Think that would work?
If we conjured one right now and used it together, think it would work?
Maybe you have to be Catholic.
You guys ever seen The Entity? Great movie. Never seen it high. Not sure I would want to.
It’s about an entity. A spiritual entity. That plays with a woman. She can sense it but not see it. Feel it. But never in the flesh.
Cue Sexy Black Voice: And now, here to perform their latest hit single, Never In The Flesh, The Hot Fudge Sundaes with their delectable chocolatey sound, with a story about meeting someone and falling in love entirely online. But never in the flesh.
{musical interlude}
That’s our show, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you. Thanks to The Hot Fudge Sundaes, they’re the best!
Enjoy your evening! Strut your stuff upon the stage but do not fret! For we are not idiots and we do signify something! Our candles are eternal! Let yours shine oh-so-bright!
Remember to tip your waitress!
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